Well, at least there’s that...

Recently someone very close to me passed away. She was a very kind individual. Her heart was to help anyone who needed it. She was very misunderstood.  She worked hard to allow people into her life.  She was seeking the approval of anyone. She was hoping someone would hear and understand her. People say this all the time, but I state this as a fact. I’m happy for her. She suffered greatly, more than anyone I ever met. Her death was caused by a broken heart, spirit and soul. She stopped believing anyone would ever hear her. I tried to hear her. I tried to support her decisions, but the pain she felt from a lack of love and listening kept her deaf to my desire to help her. I do not mourn her loss. Isn’t that strange. I loved her so much, but she was hurting the kind of hurt that can not be relieved. Pain in your soul is the worst and longest type of death. It takes years and years, disappointment after disappointment and betrayal beyond what an average person can handle. I reme

One of the most damaging thoughts I’ve ever had was supposedly “spiritual “ in nature. “Make sure you’re where you’re supposed to be.”  I bet you’ve heard it too. It sounds spiritual... only one problem. It depends solely on me. There is no supporting evidence  anywhere in scripture to prove that I have anything or much to do with planning my location to meet Gods need. Wow! The truth will set you free. Let’s take some examples. Mary- mother of Jesus. All 12 disciples Every prophet and king in the Bible. What were they all doing when The Messiah and even Jehovah himself came to them? They were all living ... normal, established lives. Don’t get me wrong. The Lord did appear in a dream to MANY people in the Bible. For example He told Joseph “Get out of where you are and go to Egypt.”  Well, ok. Where was Joseph before then? At home being a carpenter. God spoke to men regarding Saul (Paul). He told them where to go and even what to expect. What were they doing before? L

I can sum up 2019 in one sentence. "I don't have to." I"m sure that messes with your mind a bit. Today is New Years Eve and most people are thinking about what they "should" do in 2020 that they did not do in 2019. Instead I want to look back at the year and see what I don't have to do anymore.  I got it in my head that there was a list of things I had to do in order to be successful. I even had a brilliant definition of  the word: Successful. I defined success and achievement as the same thing. So if I "did something" I was successful. I couldn't have been more incorrect. I know a lot of people that accomplish things but are never successful. Achievements: Something I think I have to accomplish. Success: knowing how to live honestly. One thing I took off of my "I have to " list is giving advice.  I share my journey, with full knowledge that I don't have all the answers. I have learned to hear what people really nee

This time of the year comes with a mixed bag of emotions and there is a divide between happiness and solitude. It’s very difficult. People either feel lost, forgotten or rejected or they are euphoric. I was sick Christmas Day. I spent the day in bed. It gave me a chance to think. I missed my family with all my heart and the question “who is there for me” was very distressing. Then I had another thought   This lightened my heart. I can’t control who is “there” for me but I can control who I am “there” for. I started thinking of the people’s lives I have touched. I thought of the difference I’ve made. Nothing major. But there are people on this earth that know I am here for them. I’m a good listener, I offer advice when asked, people leave my presence feeling loved and hopeful. People in my life know that if they need me I’ll do whatever I can to help. If it’s a listening ear or compassion I have that. I may not have money they need or even the advice they seek. But I do have ears th

Hello! This post is not about who is right or who is wrong, Does it really matter at this point? I'm going to give you some examples of things being said and change the subject and  you tell  me if you think it is the appropriate response. My neighbor hasn't mowed his yard this week. I'm going to call the police. I think my neighbor picked a flower out of my yard. I'm going to sue him. I don't want you to be my dry cleaner so I'm going to form a committee to get you removed from my neighborhood. Now, let's get a little more serious. What if I used these words? You are black so I"m going to put you in prison. Would you be outraged at that? I would. Your restaurant serves white people so I'm going to sue you. I believe Global Warming is a problem so I'm going to drive my car to work. I was hired to interpret one language for another, but I don't like the wording so I'm going to tell the people listening what I want them to

I've often wondered..."Is it better to have loved and lost than never to love at all?" I've asked several people who have lost a loved one and now I understand. I found him or he found me, when he was 2 years old. He wandered around my feet scrawny and scared. Suddenly an impulse hit me. "This is my dog." He was with me for ten years... he was precious, he was annoying, he was loving, but no matter what....he was always mine.  After 5 flee baths I took him home. My life had changed and the family I once had was now gone. I loved.... I didn't know if  he was housebroken or what his personality was like... It was so unlike me to just grab him and take him to my heart. I thought to myself, "What if I lose him?" Not like loosing property, but losing his unconditional love. I wondered if I'd grow to regret giving this animal so much of my heart. I wondered, "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?&

I've been pondering this question for a long time. I bet most of you have as well. Sometimes it comes out as "Why God" did you let xyz happen? What was the point? What about the insanity in the world today? It's really hard to cope with all of it and try to picture God in the midst of it. I've discovered through a lot of prayer and research that God does not always get his way. If he did, there wouldn't be sin in the world and we would all still visit with him face to fact in the Garden of Eden. It's hard to comprehend that the will God gave us is so powerful that we can screw things up this badly. Whether Saint or Sinner, this world is a mess. All of this thinking led me to one question. "Where is hope?" How can I hope for good things if He isn't in charge? They myth that God is in control is simply a comforting thought. He will have the last word, but it isn't happening right now; babies still die, good people still get cancer,

Being as I call, a "professional Christian" throughout my life I've been led me to believe some pretty strange things about celebrating my own life. "Everything has a reason", "Praise God in the midst of the storm," "Praise God for the storm",  I was born into a Pentecostal Holiness church, then we were in a Assembly of God church (thank God for the ability to wear pants!), then we went to Lutheran, then "multi denominational" church to a "non denominational church"  There wasn't a lot of stability nor time for healthy transition throughout all of that change. I've been in therapy for .... quite a while. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who God is and what does God want from me? Part of my therapy has been writing this blog. It doesn't matter to me who reads it. I am merely taking a math test and showing my work. We all gather our personal reality from many sources; parents, extended family, p

I've heard this scripture so many times, but it never really took on any profound meaning until my devotional time today. I have been doing a lot of research on "agreement" and "I am" statements.  Everything we are drawn to in our lives starts with an agreement. I am not speaking of trauma, or tragedy. Nobody wishes those things upon themselves. I am talking about your "I am" statements. Jesus absolutely knew who he was, but he asked the questions anyway. 1) "Who do men say that I am?"  Was Jesus looking for affirmation? No. You can't get any more affirmation than a dove descending from Heaven saying "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased". Then he asks  2) " Who do you say that I am?"  Since I've been delving into my "I am" statements I started wondering if it was possible that Jesus wanted to hear his disciples 'You are" statements to see how connected t

I was taught that JOY stood for three words. 1) Jesus first 2) Others  second  3) Yourself last "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  Mark:12:3 Sounds good, right?  Believing that a selfless life is what is required has been a key ingredient to my story. Loving myself? That was just selfish. But Jesus thought it  was so important that he made it number two on the list. So, Love God! That's a given, but how do I love myself? 1) Selfishness is preferring yourself over others in an unhealthy manner. 2) Loving yourself is taking care of yourself so you can help others. Wow! See what I mean? It sounds so much different than what I  believed.  No wonder I found it hard to find joy. I thought that "sacrifice" was the motto of all Christian. You know... be miserable so others can be happy? When you're on an airplane and the stewardess/steward says,  "Please put your mask on first; then assist others around you." WOW! Isn&