Dear Lincoln

I've often wondered..."Is it better to have loved and lost than never to love at all?" I've asked several people who have lost a loved one and now I understand.

I found him or he found me, when he was 2 years old. He wandered around my feet scrawny and scared. Suddenly an impulse hit me. "This is my dog." He was with me for ten years... he was precious, he was annoying, he was loving, but no matter what....he was always mine. 

After 5 flee baths I took him home. My life had changed and the family I once had was now gone. I loved.... I didn't know if  he was housebroken or what his personality was like... It was so unlike me to just grab him and take him to my heart.

I thought to myself, "What if I lose him?" Not like loosing property, but losing his unconditional love. I wondered if I'd grow to regret giving this animal so much of my heart. I wondered, "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?"

Ten years later, I can answer that question. Tonight as I lay grieving his loss and sleeping I had a dream.  He came into my bedroom to wake me up. I looked for him expectantly. Only to realize he will never wake me up again. He was faithful to do that. Sometimes it was annoying, but most of the time I was grateful to have him and would willingly get up whether it was to feed him or let him out or just play. He was faithful.He never gave up on me. He never betrayed or lied about me and he always stood up for me. 

That was not the dog I brought home. The dog I brought home was afraid of everything. He wouldn't bark and even though he was a big dog he would try to hide under the seat in the car or in the bathroom.

One day, something changed. I had him in a crate while I was away, especially since I didn't know him that well. When I came home I found that he had methodically taken the crate apart and it lay neatly in piles in the dining room. He was free.

I never put him back into a crate again. Then he started barking and stopped hiding. He knew I loved him. He knew I loved him. I could get upset at him or even yell, but he knew I still loved him.

Some people may think I loved him more than I love God, but that's just foolishness. What I learned is that I love God because of the depths of my love for Lincoln. He grew my love like water grows a plant in the desert. 

The day of his passing I held him tight and sang to him. I thanked him for saving my life, for being a faithful friend, for being a partner I could always count on. 

When I couldn't walk, he was my reason to walk again. When I ended up in the hospital, he was my reason to come home again. This week as I laid him down to rest I thought of how Jesus laid his life down for me. You see, Lincoln gave me a chance, when he didn't know if he could trust me or not. He gave me 10 years of joy and peace and safety. In return I treasured him and treated him like my own...because he was. (Is). 

I gave him a list of people I loved that had gone to heaven before him and asked the Lord to get him there safely. I laid on the floor of the vet's office with him until he passed from this life to the next and I cried. I loved and I lost, but I wouldn't give up one day of those ten years even though it hurts beyond my ability to express pain.

Oddly enough I gained a new perspective about life. I've heard the words "I will never leave you or forsake you." . As I held him for his final breath I knew he had filled my soul and I would never be without him. No one can take him from me. No one can change my mind about him. No one can take his place.

Isn't it odd that is how Jesus feels this way about me? He gave up his perfect heaven and came to this earth without really knowing me. He entered this world as a defenceless child. How did he know who to trust? Yes he was (is) God and all that, but he was also a baby, then a man. He knew what loving would cost him.

He would go through the pain and suffering of not only life, but death, for me...a stranger.

Dear Lincoln,

Thank you for teaching me what true love is. Thank you for waiting for me when I couldn't come home. Thank you for trusting me to always come home. Thank you for jumping on my bed and messing up my couch. Your love is worth more than a thousand pounds of the finest gold. I understand....You loved me and you trusted me, even when you didn't know me.

Please let Jesus know how grateful I am for sending you. Tell him how much I've learned from you. Tell him that my heart belongs to him and thank him for teaching me to love and to lose. Hug the people that have gone before me and watch over them as you did me.

Make sure you go into the fountain of life and get wet, chase the ducks and tease them. I would always laugh when you would bate the ducks into coming as close to you as they dare, then get out of the water and come to me. Every memory I have of you, even the hard ones, are precious to me now.

I grieve with my whole heart and I wouldn't have it any other way. We are just one breath away from each other.

I love you!

Mom