Well, at least there’s that...

 “Triggered”.What a misunderstood word.  I had someone tell me they’d been “triggered” because their children wouldn’t do the dishes.  No, that’s “frustrated “ and you can control that outcome. “ Reward reversal”. If they don’t do the work, they lose a reward. No drama, no screaming just natural consequences.  When a person suffering from PTSD is triggered it’s as if someone shot a gun and the person is bombarded by past trauma.  I was in a car accident and nobody from my family came to check on or support me. They actually turned their phones off. Yes, that’s cruel in itself. When you’re a person that’s suffered from abandonment and trauma a situation like that “triggers “ that person to experience every time they were abandoned and in trauma. I said something unkind to my family that I perceived was reality and the consequences were unreal.  They stopped speaking to me and judged me harshly. Which reinforced the anxiety and proved that I truly was abandon...

 Once I asked a “qualified “ person what was wrong with me? Why did I get hurt so deeply by others? Why did their disapproval of me matter.  “What’s wrong with me?” The answer they gave me was awful. They said I was codependent… what? So I depended on others too much and was clingy to find approval??? They were so wrong. They had no clue what it’s like to survive living with abusers. They’re irrational and combust spontaneously.  You never know what’s going to happen next. So, you live on guard. You have to judge the mood of the room before you enter it in order to survive.  I was also told that I’m a “fixer.”  Yes, I have to fix everyone. That’s also a condition of abuse. If the abuser has a problem, fixing it is the only way to survive another day or another moment.  When a person is abused most of their lives they have to learn how to think differently. Relaxing is a luxury never afforded them. PTSD is very real. So, when someone sneaks up behind you, yo...

Have you or someone near to you been physically, mentally or emotionally abused? Growing up and marrying an emotional abuser can skew a persons ability to comprehend that they are being abused. While growing up, I had the impression that I was the reason my father failed in ministry. The concept was “if you weren’t born we would have traveled and had a great ministry.” Nobody knows where I got this idea from, but it was firmly planted in my mind.  The abuser changed tactics as I grew older. When he was having a “bad” day, it was my fault. I was literally told “he only acts like that when you’re around.” So, I stayed away from him as much as possible to keep him from blowing up or acting hateful. I assumed that it was my fault. The root of abuse is the need for power.   Abusers , all abusers, are thirsty for power. There are no exceptions.  During my childhood the abuser would be very kind, then funny, then cruel. People didn't or didn't want to see the cruel side. As...

 I have no idea why I feel so strongly today about disregarding  the ever changing expectations of my world.  Yes, my world.  I’ve spent years trying to give life a “reason” .  The “Whys” are innumerable! The “How’s” are even more daunting. My journey has been inexplicably difficult the past year and more.  I asked myself “How did that happen?” “Why did this happen?” Add one more question to those.. “What?” What do I do, what did I do? So, without reasoning it out,  I came up with an answer that answers none of those questions, but gives me courage to move forward: It just is! Do not misunderstand me.  I am not resigned. I am not giving up. I’m “ unreasonably determined.”  I accept who I am, where I am and am determined to move on to whatever’s next.  I’ve had doubts regarding everything! I do mean everything; Who am I? What am I supposed to be doing? What will go wrong next? Will I ever be healthy? What does a true friend look like? Wha...