I deserve it....Don't I?
"Everything has a reason", "Praise God in the midst of the storm," "Praise God for the storm", I was born into a Pentecostal Holiness church, then we were in a Assembly of God church (thank God for the ability to wear pants!), then we went to Lutheran, then "multi denominational" church to a "non denominational church" There wasn't a lot of stability nor time for healthy transition throughout all of that change.
I've been in therapy for .... quite a while. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who God is and what does God want from me? Part of my therapy has been writing this blog. It doesn't matter to me who reads it. I am merely taking a math test and showing my work.
We all gather our personal reality from many sources; parents, extended family, preachers, teachers, friends, etc. We can all look at one thing and see something different. It's amazing how like God we are; meaning that there are many facets to our lives. God is constant, but ever changing.
If you read the blog before this one on "I am" statements you'll see that God has some definite I am statements. Some of those "I AM" statements reveal different parts of God's character. He is one God with many facets to explore. If He showed us all of Him we would not be able to comprehend Him. Our earthly minds could not conceive of an eternal God that seeks relationship with flawed human beings.
It is healthy and natural to seek out the guidance of others. I do it all the time. However, it's more important to look at the results of the people whom you are asking.. I wouldn't go to a Veterinarian, even the best one, if I was needing heart surgery. Is the Vet qualified? Has he/she gone to school and spent years learning about healing? Absolutely. Have they been trained in human heart surgery? Probably not. If they have, they have not chosen the human heart as their field of expertise.
If I have a legal issue I don't go to a Doctor. The same principle applies to every facet of our lives.
So, yes I've been going to therapists. Think less of me if you choose, but if you know anything about working honestly with a therapist you will understand that it's grueling and intense work. It is not fun. I don't go for someone to simply listen to me because no one else will. Some people view therapy as a "paid for" venting partner. I've been to a few who could have been described as such. But intense therapy means that you take apart all the lies you've accepted as truth, dissect them under a microscope and determine which parts hold truth and add value to your life and which parts are unhealthy and need change.
I'm not afraid to say that I suffer from PTSD or depression or anxiety, They are not spiritual or even mental flaws. Matter of fact, they aren't flaws at all. They are work.
For the longest time I was taught "coping" skills, That was great, but it didn't help when I had a serious flashback or a bout of depression that made no sense whatsoever. So, I have been seeing a professional therapist that has been helping me get to the "hard parts" of my story. I've been unwinding all sorts of tangled yarn in my own life. I couldn't do it on my own. I tried. If I'm going to use yarn as a metaphor, then let's say that I've been getting to the knots in the yarn, cutting them and tying them to another spool of yarn. This process has left a lot of disconnect and it's virtually impossible to replace one yard with another without "meshing" them together.
So, I've been going back through all the "meshed" yarn and untying it, straightening it out and even replacing some that just did not fit within the thread of my life.
I viewed my journey through the eyes of "You're just not healthy enough", "Normal people don't need therapy", "What's wrong with you?" Have you heard any of those voices, either externally or internally? They can be very cruel and they underestimate the power of healthy thought processes.
The mind is a tool given to you by God that life and the devil himself toy with. Is my therapist God? No. But she does lead me back to God's character whenever I fall down. She helps me divide truth as God says we should.
So, why... really...why have I gone to people who do not have the ability to help me and asked for help? Why have I felt :"less than" others because I asked for help?
That's where today's subject comes in line. I am recognizing that I have worked very hard and I am celebrating the fact that I have literally come a long distance from where I started. Am I "there" yet? No, besides where is "there?" What does it look like?
There are basic principles to a finding a good therapist,
Do they listen?
Do they believe you?
Do they blame you?
Or do they show you how to repair damage that not only you have done to yourself, but others have done to you?
Do they spend time looking into your face to see what lies have been hiding behind your eyes?
Do they care about you after you pay the bill and walk out the door?
I've been to some amazing therapists that have had different levels of training, therefore I have obtained different levels of healing. Right now I am at a place where I feel safe, cared for, thought about, believed and supported. Only in this environment have I been able to find true healing . Not mending, healing. There is a difference.
As I stated before, in my yarn metaphor. Going back and blending the yard does not work for long because there is a weakness in the connection. Can you go back and literally unwind all the places that are bound together over a lifetime? No, but you can go and find the weak ones, the mismatched yarn, the decaying and fraying yarn and repair it if you know what you're doing.
So, I'm pronouncing blessing upon myself and all of those who are going through therapy. Congratulations, You deserve applause for your hard work. Don't discount your work because of the label "Therapy". Do not accept a flawed opinion of you to become your reality. We have not reached nor will anyone reach perfection. But if you'r like me you've paid a high price for healing, both literally and in every other way. So, if someone discounts my hard work I will now look at them with eyes of "what is your field of expertise?" "Should I value your opinion?" "Is what you are teaching working for you?" "How many people have gained health through your treatment or are you just another cog in the wheel of dysfunction?"
Today I celebrate! Today I recognize that I 'deserve" health. I have "earned" the right to process my own thoughts with the wisdom I've obtained through intensive therapy. I am not ashamed to applaud my hard work any more than I would be ashamed to say "My track record shows that I am a good Doctor." What is my evidence? I'm looking at my life and saying "God where are the holes, what do I need to do to repair the damaged parts and what does healing look like for me."
If I were to receive a certificate of completion in Geometry would I run to get my degree saying' "Thanks, but I don't deserve it?" Pardon my expression...."Hell no!" Do you know how much it costs both financially and time wise to get a degree in Geometry or any other subject?
Today I want to wipe away the shame, the lies of instability, the lies of "you're not good enough" with a statement of "I deserve to be healthy" I have worked hard and will continue to do so.
If you are working through dysfunction (we all have it, some just don't admit it) I celebrate you today. I rejoice with your because you do deserve it. Be very leery of those who would judge you. Ask yourself this, "Where is there evidence and in what field does their degree lie?" Hmmm...
Comments