Well, at least there’s that...

I've often wondered..."Is it better to have loved and lost than never to love at all?" I've asked several people who have lost a loved one and now I understand. I found him or he found me, when he was 2 years old. He wandered around my feet scrawny and scared. Suddenly an impulse hit me. "This is my dog." He was with me for ten years... he was precious, he was annoying, he was loving, but no matter what....he was always mine.  After 5 flee baths I took him home. My life had changed and the family I once had was now gone. I loved.... I didn't know if  he was housebroken or what his personality was like... It was so unlike me to just grab him and take him to my heart. I thought to myself, "What if I lose him?" Not like loosing property, but losing his unconditional love. I wondered if I'd grow to regret giving this animal so much of my heart. I wondered, "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?&

I've been pondering this question for a long time. I bet most of you have as well. Sometimes it comes out as "Why God" did you let xyz happen? What was the point? What about the insanity in the world today? It's really hard to cope with all of it and try to picture God in the midst of it. I've discovered through a lot of prayer and research that God does not always get his way. If he did, there wouldn't be sin in the world and we would all still visit with him face to fact in the Garden of Eden. It's hard to comprehend that the will God gave us is so powerful that we can screw things up this badly. Whether Saint or Sinner, this world is a mess. All of this thinking led me to one question. "Where is hope?" How can I hope for good things if He isn't in charge? They myth that God is in control is simply a comforting thought. He will have the last word, but it isn't happening right now; babies still die, good people still get cancer,

Being as I call, a "professional Christian" throughout my life I've been led me to believe some pretty strange things about celebrating my own life. "Everything has a reason", "Praise God in the midst of the storm," "Praise God for the storm",  I was born into a Pentecostal Holiness church, then we were in a Assembly of God church (thank God for the ability to wear pants!), then we went to Lutheran, then "multi denominational" church to a "non denominational church"  There wasn't a lot of stability nor time for healthy transition throughout all of that change. I've been in therapy for .... quite a while. I've been trying to figure out who I am, who God is and what does God want from me? Part of my therapy has been writing this blog. It doesn't matter to me who reads it. I am merely taking a math test and showing my work. We all gather our personal reality from many sources; parents, extended family, p

I've heard this scripture so many times, but it never really took on any profound meaning until my devotional time today. I have been doing a lot of research on "agreement" and "I am" statements.  Everything we are drawn to in our lives starts with an agreement. I am not speaking of trauma, or tragedy. Nobody wishes those things upon themselves. I am talking about your "I am" statements. Jesus absolutely knew who he was, but he asked the questions anyway. 1) "Who do men say that I am?"  Was Jesus looking for affirmation? No. You can't get any more affirmation than a dove descending from Heaven saying "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased". Then he asks  2) " Who do you say that I am?"  Since I've been delving into my "I am" statements I started wondering if it was possible that Jesus wanted to hear his disciples 'You are" statements to see how connected t

I was taught that JOY stood for three words. 1) Jesus first 2) Others  second  3) Yourself last "You shall love your neighbor as yourself."  Mark:12:3 Sounds good, right?  Believing that a selfless life is what is required has been a key ingredient to my story. Loving myself? That was just selfish. But Jesus thought it  was so important that he made it number two on the list. So, Love God! That's a given, but how do I love myself? 1) Selfishness is preferring yourself over others in an unhealthy manner. 2) Loving yourself is taking care of yourself so you can help others. Wow! See what I mean? It sounds so much different than what I  believed.  No wonder I found it hard to find joy. I thought that "sacrifice" was the motto of all Christian. You know... be miserable so others can be happy? When you're on an airplane and the stewardess/steward says,  "Please put your mask on first; then assist others around you." WOW! Isn&

All my life I've heard the saying, "Be grateful, it could have been worse."  That never sounded quite right to me. Why? Because a lot of times worse was compared to something horrific that happened to someone else. There is no comfort in someone else's pain.  I literally had a Dr tell me once, "Be grateful that you re not a child going through cancer!"WHAT???? So, I have to "one up" my praise because I'm not a suffering child? If you're a parent let me ask you this....is it more painful for you to be ill or for you to watch your child suffer? I can be grateful for what I'm not suffering anymore . I'm grateful that it's not 17 years ago when I was given a death sentence of 6 months. I'm grateful that it's not 10 years ago when I was told I may never walk again. I'm grateful for things I have discovered were lies that I thought was truth. I bet I got you on that one! Have you ever known down in your hear

So, Lincoln, my beautiful Australian Shepherd has finally trained me. Yep. I have wood floors so he has learned how to use them against me. In a previous house I had a light that would come on in the closet when you walked in, but this house.... no, the floors are his new megaphone. In the other house when he wanted me to get up he'd walk into the closet, the light would come on and then I'd wake up. If I didn't wake up, he'd wait and do it again. Lately he has become very bossy! My schedule is quite strange and he's not really used to it. He used to eat at the same time every morning and evening and we had a regular routine. He doesn't like change so anytime thing change he would leaves me "notes" that he is unhappy. For example: One time I was gone longer than he thought I should be so he unrolled the toilet paper all the way into the living room without tearing one sheet! Yes, he did, Now that my schedule is different he thinks he shoul

I keep my promises...lol! Let me tell you a few things about adult coloring books. I really can't advise you as to which coloring book is the best, but I can tell you what to look for in a coloring book. The paper is the key ingredient. Aren't they all the same? No. I have one by the manufacturer "Crazy Art" that will not take the color. It's full of beautiful pictures, but I have to work really hard to get the color to transfer to the paper. Now, if you're using markers, this is probably a plus as it may not absorb the color to the extent that other paper will. However, I have found it clearly frustrating to have something to help me relax only to be frustrated by it.  I have books by: Jade Summer, Cherina Kohey, Dan Morris and New Seasons. These are all excellent coloring books.  What's your pleasure? There are many different types of books. Some with dragons, some with hair,, yes you just color the hair (a beautician told me about

I know I said I’d write about adult coloring books and I will. But I read an article today that changed my way of thinking. I’m sharing it with you here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-games/201809/abused-women-are-not-codependent-and-heres-why I’ve heard the term codependent and tried to swallow it with all humility expected. But I always felt like being “codependent “ was my choice or fault. This article clearly states the difference between being codependent and a survivor of abuse. I hope you’ll read it. Let me give you some highlights.  Codependent = it’s all about me and I need your approval to survive.   The mind of an abuse victim is trained “if I say or do the wrong thing I will pay for it. My survival depends on my ability to monitor the situation and try to avoid what will inevitably happen. “. You see victimization is all about surviving today in hopes that tomorrow will be better,  but it rarely is... better. I was trained to believe that something I

Dear Pastors' Kids, Due to circumstances beyond my control I have lived a life of invisibility. It's weird isn't it? I grew up believing that "People are watching me". "I must be an example" only to wish I were invisible. So, what did I do? I became invisible. This has been a very long journey, but somebody needs to hear this. I needed to hear this. You know the old saying that everyone has new shoes except for the shoe makers children? It's true of so many career babies. We are loved, we are important but what our parents did/do came/comes before us. They loved people with all of their hearts. Don't get me wrong, But there must be a balance. What do I mean by that? I've seen it happen more often in the church world of recent times. I've seen Preacher's put their families first. Isn't that wrong? No, it's absolutely correct. Church people leave and go home, preachers meet their need, they give them good information and