Codependent or a Survivor?

I know I said I’d write about adult coloring books and I will. But I read an article today that changed my way of thinking. I’m sharing it with you here.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-games/201809/abused-women-are-not-codependent-and-heres-why

I’ve heard the term codependent and tried to swallow it with all humility expected. But I always felt like being “codependent “ was my choice or fault.

This article clearly states the difference between being codependent and a survivor of abuse. I hope you’ll read it. Let me give you some highlights.  Codependent = it’s all about me and I need your approval to survive.   The mind of an abuse victim is trained “if I say or do the wrong thing I will pay for it. My survival depends on my ability to monitor the situation and try to avoid what will inevitably happen. “. You see victimization is all about surviving today in hopes that tomorrow will be better,  but it rarely is... better.

I was trained to believe that something I said or did “triggered “ the abuse. Now that I’m recovering I can see that way of thinking is a lie.  I’ve walked in fear of disappointing someone. Not because it’s all about me it’s because it physically hurts to be wrong.

I tried to explain this to a therapist and a pastor  and they could not understand. How can being wrong hurt? I’ve heard people say that’s narcissistic thinking . “The world revolves around me “.

When you’ve lived a life of survival your life is about you and those you want to protect.  The victim often feels responsible for herself//himself and those she/he loves. The lie is  “I can take it if it will protect the others. I’m strong enough to handle the abuse so when others are around they don’t become victims as well. This too is a lie. If there’s an abuser in your life it’s not just you.

Someone once told me “they only act like that when you’re around “. I believed it so I stayed quiet and in my own space to avoid triggering the abuser. Only to one day realize the abuser lived with me and could take out their frustration even through a closed door.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I must. Please hear me: “Dear abuse victim. This is not normal! This is not your fault. If you could change their behavior you would and you’ve probably tried in one hundred ways.  I believed that if I prayed it would stop. If I kept to myself,  it would stop. If I just stayed out of the way, it will stop. I even fell for the theory that if the abuser is told point blank by a professional that their behavior is abusive, it would stop. I’m sorry to tell you that it never stopped. Maybe for a day or even a few weeks, but the abuser became a monster that MUST be fed.

I’m only now at a place where I can be alone and not be afraid that I’ll do something wrong and someone in authority (an abuser) will take what I cherish away from me. It happened all the time.

I had a dog. I loved that dog. The abuser said “we have to leave your dog here with the neighbors for six months while we wait for a new house". That was absurd. Do you know what was even more absurd? The abuser took me back to that house to get that dog never to know what happened to him. The neighbor wasn’t taking care of him. Nobody was. But I believed the abuser.

Here’s something I now understand...never trust an abuser. They lie for fun. They promise only to
fail. They refuse to succeed because then you would be secure. You’d have a safe place. You’d have people in your life to protect you. Abusers keep their victims isolated and teach them that they are isolated because they (the victim) is faulty or unacceptable in some way..

If you get enough abusers in the room attacking one victim they say things like “if you (the abuser) don’t stop the victim from some undisclosed behavior they will not be your friend”. All the while the victim is in a perpetual cycle of “what did I do? What if I do it again ?”  Once I got the courage to ask the abuser, “what is it that I do?”  Only to be told “if I tell you it would crush you.” What? I was already being crushed and had no way of knowing why.

I literally told a therapist “I feel like someone is asking a question that everybody else has the answer to, but nobody will tell me what it is. “.

If you know of someone being victimized, please share this message with them “It is not your fault and it will not change “. Faith is good, but the abusers choice outweighs what faith can do. How can I say that? Isn't God bigger than that? There's a loop hole in the system. God gave people one weapon that only the law can stand against; a will. Why do so many bad things happen to good people? Because people have a will. Remove yourself...get out of the will... Difficult, but true. Let me say that some people actually get help, but they have to work very hard and learn self control. Most abusers don’t want to work that hard. They are perfectly comfortable the way they are living. Nothing is wrong with them.

Another argument “'If I leave or escape, I will lose everything “ that may be the truth. But I was once told that a victim has to come to a point that they’d “ rather live under a bridge than be a prisoner.”

It’s the hardest thing you may ever do, walking away. But when you get to the other side and you can sleep at night, be alone and know that “ you are only responsible for you” it will likely be worth it.

I pray for each of you to have wisdom and to know when to say   “It’s enough “. I also pray protection over you during the transition. I promise you it will be hard. The cost is right up front. It may take years to recover. I had to decide that taking years to recover was worth it to sleep at night , to breathe the air and stop the cycle of fear. You must decide for yourself. You really aren't protecting anyone you just don’t see the victimization of the others because the abuser has trained them to remain quiet too. Please be safe.