Well, at least there’s that...

Most of my life I've relied on other people to tell me who I was. According to them I was a victim, I was tiring, I was complicated, I wasn't good enough, I was wrong, I was depressed, and nothing good would ever happen for me. Sounds pretty hopeless doesn't it? Well it was... But "Not today!"(Hillsong United). The song tells the devil that he isn't going to win today. I, however, am telling all the voices that have been programmed in my mind through repetition, "NOT TODAY!" I made a list of who I am. Man, we have some verb confusion going on....please bear with me. Someone asked me last week who I was (am)? I said, with all the confidence in the world and all the tears of a broken heart.... "I am a victim." I believed it. I was a victim of anyone who disagreed with me. I was a victim of anyone who didn't appreciate me. I was a victim of people not telling me what I did wrong and holding it over my head. I was a victim of abuse

Relationships are funny creatures. They usually start off well, or they don’t. You like each other, or you don’t. You fall in love, unless...you don’t! Yep. Relationships are an Oxymoron.  There are three phases that most good relationships go through and two key ingredients that make a successful relationship.. They are related to each other. If you dont have the two ingredients you won’t survive the three phases. Phase 1) The Honeymoon phase We use phrases like, “ we talked for hours,” “ it’s like we’ve known each other our entire lives,” etc...  We become inseparable, until we aren’t. I mean, for a while we want to do everything together. “Ler’s be spontaneous!” “ I can’t wait for her/him to call!” I say, give it a year. Yep...365 days. If you can still be in each other’s presence without throwing up, there may be hope. Gross, but true. You see during those 365 days things change. You might find out that Mr. Wonderful doesn’t like to brush his teeth everyday. Or, maybe Ms, W

I was chaplain of the choir in college for a semester. I really enjoyed that. I think outside of the box... No way! 😁. So one day I decided that we all needed a little shock factor. I wanted to get their attention and encourage them at the same time. So, I cane up with this question? We all have it..." are you ever afraid to fail?" Most people said they were. I had to agree, fear of failure is a very real thing. I paused and said very frankly , well stop worrying about it because you will fail. You could have heard a pin drop, except that the room was carpeted. Then I gave them a list of the greatest failures in history. My list included Einstein, Dr, Seuss, President Lincoln and even Oprah Winfrey. Yep, everyone of them failed miserably. Not just once, but many times. For example, Dr Seuss tried to get his books published 26 times. He got 26 rejections. I’m sure that publishers looked at it and said, well that’s just nonsense. Yep, nonsense that would go down in history a

I don’t write about a God that I don’t know. I don’t use flowery words to talk about a detached being that knows everything and feels nothing. He is not made of paper, plastic or even metal. He was and still is flesh and bone. He is all God, but He is also all man. I have met Him in my everyday life. I have felt His hand touch my cheek, I’ve heard Him whisper to me in my darkest hour. If that sounds strange to you just read the way David wrote about Him in the Bible. I’ve felt His tears roll down my face as we wept for those who do not know Him. I’ve felt Him weep for those that claim to know Him. The world calls us hypocrites. If we portray ourselves as perfect or beyond reproach, of better than...then they are right. Jesus must be disturbed when He sees one of us  hurt the other.  His love is so great...amazing. I have paid a price to tell you this. The price has been very high. Living for Him is not easy. I think that dying for Him would be easier. Only if I could comprehend s

You look pretty good for 70 Have you ever had someone give you a compliment only to realize it was back handed? Sometimes they intend to be cruel and other times their mouths just  spit out unfiltered words. This has happened to me a few times. I usually just laugh. What else can you do? I am a musician, among other things. I have a Bachelors Degree in Vocal Performance with a concentration in piano. I’ve been singing most of my life. It all began when I was 2 years old. We were in church a lot and I just had this urge to participate. Some people may call it vanity, but I just loved the way it felt to open my mouth and hear music come out. So, as I’ve mentioned previously my mother is an excellent pianist. She also sings. She can play the accordion, calliope, pipe organ and regular organ. So, when I was young I had a full time accompanist. She would play and sing and I couldn’t help but join her....good times. When I was two I got my first chance to sing solo. It was pr

Do you ever wake up and consider it, “The day after?” It could be the day after a bout with depression where the world is just not right,  Maybe the day after a difficult blow to your budget. Or the day after a failure.  What about a day after a stupid fight? Let’s narrow it down. Have you ever experienced a “moment after”? You know, when you go, “ wow, just put my foot in my mouth and it stinks?” I think everyone has days after and moments after trivial events that cause excessive aggravation. I’ve had my share. I remember one day, I was working at a fast food restaurant... talk about stress. Oh man, you take an order, make an order, call out an order and do it all over again hoping you can be faster the next time. The next time someone gets your order wrong try a little kindness. Take the order back and smile and say “oops, something is not quite right”. People will be more likely to fix their mistakes when pointed out in kindness. Go ahead and make somebody’s day. As I was say

I have always had little dogs. Big dogs weren’t welcome inside the house and I couldn’t stand them being lonely outside. But in truth, I’m not really crazy about little dogs. Well, because I think their brains are bigger than their heads. So, to compensate they bark constantly. Come on,you know it’s true. Those little babies are cute and cuddly, but...the noise! Just a personal opinion. So, in the midst of my divorce, not the best of times, I prayed and told the Lord that I needed three things. Coming in at number one was: a big dog. The number two contender was: a GPS.  Finally coming in third place was: a handyman that knew what he was doing and actually did the work. Maybe all of that sounds strange to you, but I had very good reasons to be that specific. Big dog; comfort and protection. I had last lived as a single adult back in the...well, that’s just too much information. I needed a GPS because I’m directionally challenged. Yes, I admit it. When someone tells me to go nor

Everyone has a story to tell; welcome to mine. Barjeana...who would have thought up that name? That name alone should give you pause, it gives me pause... I never know how people are going to pronounce it. Before they meet me they'll wonder if I'm male or female or they'll make reference to a long lost language or they might even say it's a hillbilly name. I once had a "sophisticated man" say that my name had to have been hillbilly! I looked at him and said, "Dude, I'm from California!" Oh and they'll also wonder about my ethnicity. My favorite question is when they ask how I got such a name? I reply with my best made up answer. "Back when they used to highly drug women during the birthing process my mother woke up, mumbled this word and someone wrote it down." My mother isn't too keen on that one. So, let's explain this mystery. How do you pronounce it? Surely those letters don't go together. I've heard it all.

I want to thank all of the people that have helped me through some very dark times. Hero's are people that do something good for you without expecting a reward. However, if they didn't step up you might not still be here. I have outlived my expiration date by 16 years. I am a cancer conqueror. I used to say survivor, because there have been times when survive was all I could do. But the fact that I'm sitting here writing this blog shows that I have conquered it thus far. So, about sixteen years ago I kept going to the Dr. to tell him that I didn't feel well. My stomach hurt and was getting bigger. He gave me antacids and told me to watch what I ate. Well, that didn't make any difference. Now remember, these are my memories. I can only account for what I remember. I was vigilant and kept returning. There was unusual bruising and my stomach got so big that I could not sit up by myself. I looked and felt like I was nine months pregnant, but I wasn't. I kept t

Who knew there were rules to blogging? I mean don't you just talk from your heart or head remembering experiences or talking about things you've learned? I've journalled for years. I didn't have to edit my thoughts. Good, bad or indifferent they were my thoughts. There was one key factor that I didn't realize: People read blogs, they don't read journals. I once joked with my kids about burning my journals, but then I went back to read them and nope I couldn't read my own handwriting. When you journal you basically write about how you feel about something at that particular moment with disregard for anyone else's feelings. Journalling is very personal as it should be. Blogging however is a different animal entirely. I found out that my kids were reading my blog, my sister was reading it and my x-husband was reading it. So, what I was writing in jest wasn't so funny to them. I have since apologized and hope that my future writings will convey