Argue, you must!
Relationships are funny creatures. They usually start off well, or they don’t. You like each other, or you don’t. You fall in love, unless...you don’t! Yep. Relationships are an Oxymoron.
There are three phases that most good relationships go through and two key ingredients that make a successful relationship.. They are related to each other. If you dont have the two ingredients you won’t survive the three phases.
Phase 1) The Honeymoon phase
We use phrases like, “ we talked for hours,” “ it’s like we’ve known each other our entire lives,” etc... We become inseparable, until we aren’t. I mean, for a while we want to do everything together. “Ler’s be spontaneous!” “ I can’t wait for her/him to call!”
I say, give it a year. Yep...365 days. If you can still be in each other’s presence without throwing up, there may be hope. Gross, but true. You see during those 365 days things change. You might find out that Mr. Wonderful doesn’t like to brush his teeth everyday. Or, maybe Ms, Wonderful doesn’t care if she wears the same dress without washing it for days. Yes, kind of strange, but realistic nonetheless.
During that time period you will find things out about each other that will get on your last nerve. Well, at least you better. Because if you haven’t found something that irritates you about the other person then you don’t really know them. No, I’m not kidding.
Phase one is also known as the “ I’m in love,” phase.
Phase 2)
I can live with that!
Now you get to know those pesky habits or see those quirky moods and you think, “well. If that’s all... no problem!”
In order to get past phase two you will need ingredient two. Oh, you think I forgot the first ingredient? No, but if I’d told you the first one before now you might have guessed number two and that would have been no fun for me at all.
So, ingredient number one...you must agree! You have to have something in common. You must have a place of mutual understanding. If you get to phase 2 and you don’t have a mutual understanding you might as well kiss each other good bye before anyone gets hurt.
So, let’s assume...yes, I did use that word...see previous blogs... that you’ve made it past the honeymoon phase. You see each other’s warts and all ( figuratively speaking) and you can still be in the same room together and smile. Hopefully this is the time you find out that you really do like each other. You must like each other. The chill bumps and butterflies will leave the building ,but you must be able to look each other in the eye and still see hope, have dreams, make plans and most importantly of all: discover that you don’t want to kill each other, figuratively speaking.
Now, here’s the hardest part. This is the second ingredient. If you don’t have it you will not move past go or collect $100.00 ( Monopoly rules).
Ingredient number two... drum roll please... you MUST argue! You read that right. I was going to say that you heard that right, but unless someone is reading this to you..well, you get my drift.
You must disagree, you must get mad, but NEVER violent, and you must make up. If you argue, but can’t forgive...stop now and go home. It’s better to live alone than to live a lie.
I’ve known people who successfully go through phase one...happiness, and make it through most of phase two, then ingredient two shows up and bam! That’s all there is. They go off to separate corners and they lose all that they’ve put into this relationship.
So, now back to the disagreement part. If two people get stuck in this ingredient and can’t get past it the relationship will eventually crash and burn. Hostility will build and then resentment will take hold and... let’s just say it doesn’t end well.
Honesty...can you be vulnerable enough to be honest? Can you risk getting angry? Anger is healthy as long as it’s controlled. This is when you face the possibility that you may not like each other. You may see each other’s real self and you might not be able to move on. It’s a risk worth taking.
I’ve seen couples, even entire families hold back resentment, keep silent during a disagreement and end up hating each other.
I know of one couple that was married many years. They had children and even grandchildren together then one day the husband discloses the fact that he doesn’t even like his wife. I imagine she wished he had told her that a long time before she got..let’s just say...older...lol.
What happens next determines if you move on to phase three. If you can disagree, walk away, think about it, be honest, and sometimes even agree to disagree there is hope! But if you instead walk away, feel the need to be right and stop talking...you’ve lost everything.
Non communication kills 99% of all relationships. I didn’t say miscommunication, I said non communication. Once you stop speaking you start hurting. Rejection is a powerful weapon. When you take the time to get to know someone that includes their weaknesses . If you walk away, you will hurt them. That hostility that built up? It will explode and the arsenal will be full of weapons that will destroy lives.
Most marriages, friendships and even families end here. Sometimes the hurt is so deep that they can’t go back. They can’t even be friends. Now, when this happens between friends it’s hard. When it happens between families...it’s devastating. Something that once was beautiful becomes grotesque.
But I have good news! If you make it past the “ argue you must “ part you will find that you have a friend for life. Your love will grow and you are more likely to grow old together. Families that come through this phase in tact will spawn healthy children, grandchildren and they will usually get to the part where they truly enjoy each other.
Ergo phase 3) Enjoying each other! Phase two can last for a very long time. Ingredient number two WILL make or break your relationship.
So, ask yourselves this question. “Is it worth it?” Can we learn how to disagree and still love each other? Oh, dear God, I hope so...
There are three phases that most good relationships go through and two key ingredients that make a successful relationship.. They are related to each other. If you dont have the two ingredients you won’t survive the three phases.
Phase 1) The Honeymoon phase
We use phrases like, “ we talked for hours,” “ it’s like we’ve known each other our entire lives,” etc... We become inseparable, until we aren’t. I mean, for a while we want to do everything together. “Ler’s be spontaneous!” “ I can’t wait for her/him to call!”
I say, give it a year. Yep...365 days. If you can still be in each other’s presence without throwing up, there may be hope. Gross, but true. You see during those 365 days things change. You might find out that Mr. Wonderful doesn’t like to brush his teeth everyday. Or, maybe Ms, Wonderful doesn’t care if she wears the same dress without washing it for days. Yes, kind of strange, but realistic nonetheless.
During that time period you will find things out about each other that will get on your last nerve. Well, at least you better. Because if you haven’t found something that irritates you about the other person then you don’t really know them. No, I’m not kidding.
Phase one is also known as the “ I’m in love,” phase.
Phase 2)
I can live with that!
Now you get to know those pesky habits or see those quirky moods and you think, “well. If that’s all... no problem!”
In order to get past phase two you will need ingredient two. Oh, you think I forgot the first ingredient? No, but if I’d told you the first one before now you might have guessed number two and that would have been no fun for me at all.
So, ingredient number one...you must agree! You have to have something in common. You must have a place of mutual understanding. If you get to phase 2 and you don’t have a mutual understanding you might as well kiss each other good bye before anyone gets hurt.
So, let’s assume...yes, I did use that word...see previous blogs... that you’ve made it past the honeymoon phase. You see each other’s warts and all ( figuratively speaking) and you can still be in the same room together and smile. Hopefully this is the time you find out that you really do like each other. You must like each other. The chill bumps and butterflies will leave the building ,but you must be able to look each other in the eye and still see hope, have dreams, make plans and most importantly of all: discover that you don’t want to kill each other, figuratively speaking.
Now, here’s the hardest part. This is the second ingredient. If you don’t have it you will not move past go or collect $100.00 ( Monopoly rules).
Ingredient number two... drum roll please... you MUST argue! You read that right. I was going to say that you heard that right, but unless someone is reading this to you..well, you get my drift.
You must disagree, you must get mad, but NEVER violent, and you must make up. If you argue, but can’t forgive...stop now and go home. It’s better to live alone than to live a lie.
I’ve known people who successfully go through phase one...happiness, and make it through most of phase two, then ingredient two shows up and bam! That’s all there is. They go off to separate corners and they lose all that they’ve put into this relationship.
So, now back to the disagreement part. If two people get stuck in this ingredient and can’t get past it the relationship will eventually crash and burn. Hostility will build and then resentment will take hold and... let’s just say it doesn’t end well.
Honesty...can you be vulnerable enough to be honest? Can you risk getting angry? Anger is healthy as long as it’s controlled. This is when you face the possibility that you may not like each other. You may see each other’s real self and you might not be able to move on. It’s a risk worth taking.
I’ve seen couples, even entire families hold back resentment, keep silent during a disagreement and end up hating each other.
I know of one couple that was married many years. They had children and even grandchildren together then one day the husband discloses the fact that he doesn’t even like his wife. I imagine she wished he had told her that a long time before she got..let’s just say...older...lol.
What happens next determines if you move on to phase three. If you can disagree, walk away, think about it, be honest, and sometimes even agree to disagree there is hope! But if you instead walk away, feel the need to be right and stop talking...you’ve lost everything.
Non communication kills 99% of all relationships. I didn’t say miscommunication, I said non communication. Once you stop speaking you start hurting. Rejection is a powerful weapon. When you take the time to get to know someone that includes their weaknesses . If you walk away, you will hurt them. That hostility that built up? It will explode and the arsenal will be full of weapons that will destroy lives.
Most marriages, friendships and even families end here. Sometimes the hurt is so deep that they can’t go back. They can’t even be friends. Now, when this happens between friends it’s hard. When it happens between families...it’s devastating. Something that once was beautiful becomes grotesque.
But I have good news! If you make it past the “ argue you must “ part you will find that you have a friend for life. Your love will grow and you are more likely to grow old together. Families that come through this phase in tact will spawn healthy children, grandchildren and they will usually get to the part where they truly enjoy each other.
Ergo phase 3) Enjoying each other! Phase two can last for a very long time. Ingredient number two WILL make or break your relationship.
So, ask yourselves this question. “Is it worth it?” Can we learn how to disagree and still love each other? Oh, dear God, I hope so...
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