I'm fighting for my life and I will win!
Most of my life I've relied on other people to tell me who I was. According to them I was a victim, I was tiring, I was complicated, I wasn't good enough, I was wrong, I was depressed, and nothing good would ever happen for me. Sounds pretty hopeless doesn't it? Well it was...
But "Not today!"(Hillsong United).
The song tells the devil that he isn't going to win today. I, however, am telling all the voices that have been programmed in my mind through repetition, "NOT TODAY!"
I made a list of who I am. Man, we have some verb confusion going on....please bear with me.
Someone asked me last week who I was (am)? I said, with all the confidence in the world and all the tears of a broken heart.... "I am a victim." I believed it.
I was a victim of anyone who disagreed with me. I was a victim of anyone who didn't appreciate me. I was a victim of people not telling me what I did wrong and holding it over my head. I was a victim of abuse and a victim of life. I was a mistake and I was paying dearly for being born.
Okay, you might say that sounds nuts. Or, you might say, "I've heard those voices too." Every circumstance I've been through has created a pattern of thinking. I've been surrounded by unsafe people giving me my identity. The problem is (was) that they had no clue who they were, The best way to combat a problem (or so I've been told) is to blame someone else for it. So, if a person is controlling, they will probably tell you that you are controlling. If a person is abusive when they are angry, well, they will probably tell you that you are abusive when you are angry. But NOW I realize that I'm none of those things.
I'm as harmless as a kitten, but as strong as a Lion. I used to think I was supposed to be as strong as a lion, but in reality I was as meek as a kitten. It's amazing the way the mirror has turned.
Let me introduce myself, This is not bragging, this is who I am. I am defined: (finally) I am sweet, I am kind, I am generous, I am loving, I am lovable, I am fun, I am easy to be around, I am passionate and focused, I am strong, I am cared for, I have purpose (I am on purpose), I am beautifully transparent, I am cute (people have agreed with that...lol. No need to comment... ha!) I dress well, I am creative, I am fun, I am cuddly.... I am also determined, I am protected (by the Almighty), and my heart is secure because my end is already written.
So, what changed? I would like to say that it was a simple change of perspective, but I've worked on these issues most of my life. I believed the "voices" of others, I believed that I'd never be good enough at what I did even if I did it well. I expected to be rejected. I've lived through this hell for as long as I can remember.
I've had moments when all of those feelings went away. I've had moments in the sun (so to speak), but they faded as quickly as they came. Again, what happened?
Well, I can't sell you a magic pill or give you a formula, I can't say it was instantaneous or that someone with supernatural power prayed for me, I can't tell you that a therapist or psychiatrist came up with a new drug, I can tell you that I found a therapist that can think outside the box. She has helped me greatly and her treatment plan is effective. ( If you want to know about it you will have to private message me). Do not ask me on this page, please.
Everyone has been trying to fix me, But now I realize that I'm not the problem, I have problems, I fight for my life, I fight for my right to be right! (lol) I am sometimes impetuous and make impromptu decisions. Just ask my neighbor who I had meet me at a movie 30 minutes after I called. Or ask my friend who I called at 8:00 at night because I realized I didn't have enough stuff to have a garage sale. I'm an acquired taste. People will either like me, or they won't, but that's no longer on me. I do not have the power to transform myself into whatever you (in general not personal) need me to be. WOW ! What a relief! I can't explain how difficult it is to try to be a chameleon when you're just a plain old lizard!
I am not going to tell you that I'm "all better now," no, hurts hurt and voices from others don't stop; they are loud and often obnoxious, However, a foundation has been laid, A beginning has begun, The seed is finally breaking ground.
Please...do not let other people define you. Find out who you are. It's important. If you don't know who you are deep down then people can transform you into something very ugly or they can put you on a pedestal and you will fall, You don't have to be physically beautiful to be lovely,
Do you know what colors look best on me? The color of peace, love and kindness. Yep, those colors never go out of style.
So, victim...I don't think so. Warrior, yes! A person can only win this many battles because of the guidance and arm of the one and only living God. Every scar is a trophy. I will wear them until I no longer wear this body and I will shout for joy when I see every one of them. I will not apologize for living.
I'm fighting for my life and I will win!
But "Not today!"(Hillsong United).
The song tells the devil that he isn't going to win today. I, however, am telling all the voices that have been programmed in my mind through repetition, "NOT TODAY!"
I made a list of who I am. Man, we have some verb confusion going on....please bear with me.
Someone asked me last week who I was (am)? I said, with all the confidence in the world and all the tears of a broken heart.... "I am a victim." I believed it.
I was a victim of anyone who disagreed with me. I was a victim of anyone who didn't appreciate me. I was a victim of people not telling me what I did wrong and holding it over my head. I was a victim of abuse and a victim of life. I was a mistake and I was paying dearly for being born.
Okay, you might say that sounds nuts. Or, you might say, "I've heard those voices too." Every circumstance I've been through has created a pattern of thinking. I've been surrounded by unsafe people giving me my identity. The problem is (was) that they had no clue who they were, The best way to combat a problem (or so I've been told) is to blame someone else for it. So, if a person is controlling, they will probably tell you that you are controlling. If a person is abusive when they are angry, well, they will probably tell you that you are abusive when you are angry. But NOW I realize that I'm none of those things.
I'm as harmless as a kitten, but as strong as a Lion. I used to think I was supposed to be as strong as a lion, but in reality I was as meek as a kitten. It's amazing the way the mirror has turned.
Let me introduce myself, This is not bragging, this is who I am. I am defined: (finally) I am sweet, I am kind, I am generous, I am loving, I am lovable, I am fun, I am easy to be around, I am passionate and focused, I am strong, I am cared for, I have purpose (I am on purpose), I am beautifully transparent, I am cute (people have agreed with that...lol. No need to comment... ha!) I dress well, I am creative, I am fun, I am cuddly.... I am also determined, I am protected (by the Almighty), and my heart is secure because my end is already written.
So, what changed? I would like to say that it was a simple change of perspective, but I've worked on these issues most of my life. I believed the "voices" of others, I believed that I'd never be good enough at what I did even if I did it well. I expected to be rejected. I've lived through this hell for as long as I can remember.
I've had moments when all of those feelings went away. I've had moments in the sun (so to speak), but they faded as quickly as they came. Again, what happened?
Well, I can't sell you a magic pill or give you a formula, I can't say it was instantaneous or that someone with supernatural power prayed for me, I can't tell you that a therapist or psychiatrist came up with a new drug, I can tell you that I found a therapist that can think outside the box. She has helped me greatly and her treatment plan is effective. ( If you want to know about it you will have to private message me). Do not ask me on this page, please.
Everyone has been trying to fix me, But now I realize that I'm not the problem, I have problems, I fight for my life, I fight for my right to be right! (lol) I am sometimes impetuous and make impromptu decisions. Just ask my neighbor who I had meet me at a movie 30 minutes after I called. Or ask my friend who I called at 8:00 at night because I realized I didn't have enough stuff to have a garage sale. I'm an acquired taste. People will either like me, or they won't, but that's no longer on me. I do not have the power to transform myself into whatever you (in general not personal) need me to be. WOW ! What a relief! I can't explain how difficult it is to try to be a chameleon when you're just a plain old lizard!
I am not going to tell you that I'm "all better now," no, hurts hurt and voices from others don't stop; they are loud and often obnoxious, However, a foundation has been laid, A beginning has begun, The seed is finally breaking ground.
Please...do not let other people define you. Find out who you are. It's important. If you don't know who you are deep down then people can transform you into something very ugly or they can put you on a pedestal and you will fall, You don't have to be physically beautiful to be lovely,
Do you know what colors look best on me? The color of peace, love and kindness. Yep, those colors never go out of style.
So, victim...I don't think so. Warrior, yes! A person can only win this many battles because of the guidance and arm of the one and only living God. Every scar is a trophy. I will wear them until I no longer wear this body and I will shout for joy when I see every one of them. I will not apologize for living.
I'm fighting for my life and I will win!
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