Codependency vs Survival

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 Once I asked a “qualified “ person what was wrong with me? Why did I get hurt so deeply by others? Why did their disapproval of me matter.  “What’s wrong with me?”

The answer they gave me was awful. They said I was codependent… what? So I depended on others too much and was clingy to find approval???

They were so wrong. They had no clue what it’s like to survive living with abusers. They’re irrational and combust spontaneously.  You never know what’s going to happen next. So, you live on guard. You have to judge the mood of the room before you enter it in order to survive. 

I was also told that I’m a “fixer.”  Yes, I have to fix everyone. That’s also a condition of abuse. If the abuser has a problem, fixing it is the only way to survive another day or another moment. 

When a person is abused most of their lives they have to learn how to think differently. Relaxing is a luxury never afforded them. PTSD is very real. So, when someone sneaks up behind you, you scream. You don’t know how not to react. 

However you remain calm in truly dangerous situations. It’s odd. When my car threw me into a house I remained calm and alert. I gave instructions to the EMT because of so many allergies. When I was thrown 5 feet by a golf cart, I stayed alert and centered even when they were putting staples in my head. 

So, I handled those extreme situations, but I can’t take it if someone runs into me on accident. My nervous system is severely damaged. 

Keeping myself calm is a constant struggle. I have to take medication I probably never would have needed if I hadn’t suffered such horrific abuse. 

But, I still get up every day. When people reject me I realize it’s on them, not on me. 

I’m done trying to figure out what I did wrong in order to restore broken relationships. 

I’m not ok, but I’ll be alright. I’m a survivor that one day hopes to thrive. I’m Not codependent , I’m a survivor. 

Please don’t let people label you. They don’t know your story. 

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