He’s just having a bad day

Have you or someone near to you been physically, mentally or emotionally abused?

Growing up and marrying an emotional abuser can skew a persons ability to comprehend that they are being abused.

While growing up, I had the impression that I was the reason my father failed in ministry. The concept was “if you weren’t born we would have traveled and had a great ministry.” Nobody knows where I got this idea from, but it was firmly planted in my mind. 

The abuser changed tactics as I grew older. When he was having a “bad” day, it was my fault. I was literally told “he only acts like that when you’re around.” So, I stayed away from him as much as possible to keep him from blowing up or acting hateful. I assumed that it was my fault. The root of abuse is the need for power.  

Abusers , all abusers, are thirsty for power. There are no exceptions. 

During my childhood the abuser would be very kind, then funny, then cruel. People didn't or didn't want to see the cruel side. As a child I waited for the fun and kind father to come back home. When he did, life was good. When the other man came home I went to my bedroom and hid. My own mother probably doesn’t even know the severity of his cruelty. I was not the only victim of his cruelty, but I believed I was the reason. Behavior like this is life altering. 

When I got married, I believed that my husband was the exception to the rule. I thought he was genuine, that he truly believed in the love of God that I had not experienced during my childhood.  He loved God and he wanted me.  I was elated. Finally, someone lived what they professed to  believe and found value in me. 

I had a couple of incidents that alerted me that he was not who or what I believed him to be, but those incidents had to be "my fault." The first time I noticed it was when we were walking with a friend of ours. The abuser almost always walked in front of me. I thought it was because his legs were longer. On this particular day he was waking in front of me so I ran up and playfully grabbed his arm. His reaction should have told me all I needed to know. He angrily pulled his arm away from me and said , “don’t touch me.” I defaulted to “he’s just having a bad day. I wonder what I did to cause him to respond so violently ?" 

After we were married I saw it again. He always cooked. I told him up front that I didn’t like to cook .  His response was, “ that’s ok, I do.” 

I returned from work one day, his job only required him to work two days a week. We couldn’t live on that, so I worked full time to “fill in the blanks”. The jobs that I took were physically and emotionally exhausting. So, on that particular day I came home exhausted.  I sat down to the meal he had cooked, he was a very good cook, and I said, “wouldn’t it be nice to have flowers on the table?”  His response blew me away “Flowers are for women that deserve them!”  I never got to question that response because someone came to the door with a crisis and needed our help. But his words were ingrained in my mind. 

These type of outbursts happened more and more frequently. Then the next level of abuse started… silence. If he was unhappy  about anything he would give me the silent treatment.  I got fed up one day and said , "What’s wrong?” His response was “If I just told you what you did.” This experience laid the groundwork for another type of abuse. Again, it was my fault and nobody would tell me what I did to cause the outbursts.

If this sounds horrible, it was. I'm not giving details, I'm giving you how I experienced the abuse of these two "godly" men. They were not truly Godly, they were actors.

The groundwork that was laid continues to haunt me to this day. I took X-man (my pet name for abuser number two) to many counselors, That was where he thrived. He said all the right words and I was told that I was irrational. One therapist actually said, "you should feel lucky that you have him." I had no response, because both abusers led me to believe that it was all my fault.

Even to this day there are those that have used the silent treatment on me. They probably don't understand the PTSD that their behavior triggers. It's always the same. Something happens, the person stops talking to me and I am left to figure out what I did. After enough tries I usually placate the abuser. Don't get me wrong, a lot of these people do not intend to abuse me, it's a mindset that's ingrained in me.

Honestly, these same principles applied to my relationship with Jesus. When things went wrong, as they often do, (that's a whole other story), I would ask God "What did I do wrong?" It doesn't matter how bad the situation, I did something to make God respond to me with violence. To make it worse, I was left to figure out what I did because he "supposedly" would not tell me. 

This has been a horrible way to live. One day I was completely alone. Most of the people I knew were not speaking to me. Through the actions of the abuser and his influence on others I was ostracized from those I love. The silence was deafening. I tried to figure out what I did wrong and I couldn't. It weighed so heavily on me that I lost the will to live. 

I told a therapist, "I don't know why I'm still here. Everything I was living for is gone." I know that's a song, but it's also a mindset. Needless to say, my therapist was extremely concerned. He changed my medications and we talked. It really didn't help, until one day I discovered that I am the reason I am alive.

Believing that I could be the reason to be alive was harder to accept than most people could imagine. Because of religious beliefs I thought I was now being selfish and prideful. That was just as bad as believing I'd done something wrong and nobody would tell me what is was.

But, I looked back at my life and realized that all the people that told me I was wrong to believe I was the reason I was alive weren't there during the crisis situations I have faced continually. It has been up to me to get up and carry on. I know that God has given me the strength to continue to get up, but I've been at a loss to figure out why my life is important enough for him to keep saving me. I began to believe it was torture. God was bringing me to the brink of death to tell me something. 

Well meaning people have said,  "God's got you here for a reason." I would think to myself, "If he'd just tell me what it is, I'd do it." In hopes of stopping the crisis situations. 

Others have told me that "This is your testimony. Bad things are happening to you because you now have a story to tell of God's saving power." Really? Really? My surviving abuse, cancer and other things, too many to name, is going to help someone? All the while I'm trying to figure out what I did to deserve the crisis I was going through.

If you have NOT been a victim of this nonsense I am grateful to God for that. If you have I have something to tell you." It's not your fault". Bad things happen to good people and bad people. Life is full of ups and downs. I still don't know why my survival matters. Often times during a crisis I deal with it alone.

Value: I have to value my own life, just as it is. I've spent so many years surviving that I haven't really lived. Over 20 years ago I was given 6 months to live with a 4% chance of survival. There was one surgeon in the world that would risk operating on me to remove the cancer. He told my family and once I that surgery I'd be home within 21 days (If I survived it). 

After 15 surgeries, 5 weeks in a coma and 57 days in the hospital I woke up to a world I knew nothing about. I was given one year to live after all of that trauma. I had one more surgery and was given 5 more years to live, it's been over 20. I believe I'm the longest living survivor of the cancer that I had. Most people don't know they have it until after they are dead. God spared my life (again). Why? I honestly didn't know.

I have worked hard to find my place in this world. I've always been a hard worker. My body is very limited to how much work I can do, but I always push myself to the limit and beyond. Maybe my pushing myself is the reason bad things keep happening? I don't know. When I've been sick people tell me "God is trying to get you to rest." When I feel lonely people tell me, "God is trying to get you to rely only on him." When financial problems happen, "God is trying to tell you to put him first." Why is God such being so cruel?

The funny fact is that I don't believe any of those answers. I was born again when I was four years old. Even then I knew I needed a savior to get through my life. Even then I knew I needed unconditional love. He is the core of my person. All of these horrible incidents have come to try to tell me that my reason for living is a lie. I don't and won't believe it.

I don't understand why bad things happen. I do understand that there is a war out there to get me to deny the only true God. I never have and I never will. He is my constant. If I'm here only to tell you that God is not harming you, then hear me. "God is not harming you." There is no justice in cancer, there is no purpose for pain, other than to kill, steal and destroy. John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." The passage goes on to tell you why Jesus came..."I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly."

I'm finally moving on with my life. I'm looking around at the things I enjoy doing and I'm going to to them. I'm done surviving, I'm done living for anyone else, I'm living for me and I'm not selfish. God is my rock and my salvation, but he does not require me to suffer to prove his saving power. I'm moving forward. It's hard. I've been set up from birth to believe that I was nothing and didn't matter to anyone. But I matter to Him and He matters to me. I'm ready for some laughter and joy to replace the sorrow and mourning.

Please, don't let the abuser destroy your life. Please find joy and happiness. Please participate in your life and live it fully. Don't allow a person's "Bad Day" rule your life.

Abusers abuse, that's what they do. It's time to stop allowing them to abuse. It's time to rise up and enjoy your life and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everyone has done something wrong, not one of us is worthy of God's love, that's what makes his love so special. He gives it to us even when we don't deserve it. We could never deserve it.

My message to the abuser is this, "Stop before you lose your soul." My message to the abused is, "Rise up and conquer your fear. Your life is your own. It doesn't belong to anyone else." I pray that God helps you overcome the challenges brought on by another person's "bad day" and that you have a fulfilling life that overcomes the obstacles placed in front of you. Find your joy! Be your own reason to live. Don't just survive, take all the good that life has to offer you and live.  Don't let the abuser win.