Personal battles take courage

I sent this picture to my kids with the comment, “Daniel wants to play, but I’m a little hung up,” lol 

 Courage is not being brave, it is not denying the problem, it’s not seeing the problem as less of a struggle than it is. If courage could be gained doing any of those thugs courage would lack it’s greatest advantage,”faith.”

 Have you ever felt like the struggles have been so hard that you start to believe the struggle is the outcome?

In other words , struggling just to struggle more. 

The problem with the conclusion that the struggle and the reward are the same is becoming battle weary. Suddenly everything is a struggle.  I’ve been there 

Over two years ago someone told my mother that they believed wouldn’t be on oxygen for the rest of my life. The struggle to breathe was hard and I had no courage or faith to believe one day I wouldn’t need it anymore.

 became  very angry with God. The only thing that’s bad about being angry with God, is not admitting it to him. He already knows. 

The battle did not get better. In fact I had more complications.  At one point the oxygen wasn’t enough. I had it up as high as it would go and my oxygen level went down to 78. Anything over 90 is safe. How could I believe that this situation would get any better, ever. 

During my frustration I imagined myself laying at the feet of Jesus throne , pounding the ground and asking “ Why won’t you heal me “  In my mind He didn’t do what I expected of Him  

My expectation was for Him to be angry. To say, “ How dare you! I’m God”. I expected Him to be offended. Do you know what happened instead? He got off His throne, got on the ground with me and I felt His compassion.That refiner didn’t make any sense  

He didn’t “fix “ me or argue or even tell me how “great” He was. Isn’t that what we’ve been taught to expect? There was no booming voice of judgement. He wept with me. He didn’t even tell me that everything would be ok. How is any of that helpful? Either way, there was still a raging battle. 

I can’t tell you how it felt for God himself to walk away from His throne with all of His glory to get on the floor and weep with me. But when looked through the life of Jesus I saw that He got off the throne in Heaven for one reason; to identify with us in order to redeem us  

Was there any easy miracle after that? Was everything ok? Did the battle fade before me? No.  Matter of fact, things looked bleak.

There are still more battles to face. I have made my mantra for this battle “ I’m better, but not well.” I hear someone say “ that’s not faith! Aren’t you supposed to trust Him?” The unsaid words are “ for things to work out the way I expect them to! “ Have things ever just worked out the way you expected? Not for me. 

I’ve been angry, felt defeated, disappointed, confused… then… comforted. There is much more healing and hope in comfort. When He joined me on my knees, I felt the power and comfort to wait with courage .

 Yes He fights my battles for me , but sometimes He fights that battle by sitting beside me and walking “through “ the valley of the shadow of death with me and comforting me. Hmm, read the 23rd Psalm… read Proverbs 91. “I will be with him.  I will comfort him. “ He’s not a magician or a genie in a bottle. He’s God and I don’t understand Him or His ways .  I’m not supposed to.  

If I understood Him I could manipulate Him into being exactly what I wanted Him to do or be.  Who would be God if I could do that? Me? Oh no! I do not think like He does. I can not manipulate Him or drive Him to “win the battle” like I expect Him to.

It’s all so clear as I write this. I have not reached my goal or magically “won”.  But today is better than yesterday! Some things have changed and a miracle has happened, but not like I expected or demanded.

 By the way, I have been off of oxygen for over year. He is faithful that promised. I borrowed courage from Him and added my belief that He would remain faithful no matter what the outcome.