Grief, I can get Through it , but not over

 “ yeah though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death ”’. Ps 23. 

I’ve heard this scripture and totally missed the point. 

I had an interesting revelation.  I read it again and realized that the scripture doesn’t say “ yeah though I get over the valley of the shadow of death because death doesn’t matter, it won’t make any difference in your future . “ Jesus never told anyone to “get over it “

He said to go through it, he said not to be afraid only because He’s there.  Wow! Jesus is in the Valley of the shadow of death!  He himself didn’t avoid that valley at the cross. Wow!

You know what else he didn’t do?  He didn’t dismiss the Valley, he didn’t tell his disciples it was no big deal! He told them to remember his death, burial and resurrection.

Two of the three above mentioned were horrible. If he denied the first two the third wouldn’t have made a difference.

What did Jesus do with grief?

I was reminded that Jesus, at the tomb of Lazerous wept. Why? He knew he was going to raise Lazerous from the dead. What’s to cry about? This was very confusing to me. But…Lazarus died and Jesus grieved.

Then I thought about the scars Jesus still bears in his body. He didn’t dismiss them or try to hide them. He actually showed them to Thomas to prove that the horrible event really happened.  He took his shed blood and laid it on the alter to remind the world the price he paid. 

He never told anyone to “get over” the hurt, the disease, death, distress.  Have you lost a loved one and thought “I should be over this by now?”  Please don’t be cruel to yourself or dismiss the joy of the life that no longer breaths its breath in your face. 

I believed for years  that I should just “let things go” and move on. I felt like it was my responsibility to spare others from the loss I experienced.  I tried and became stuck in that valley of death alone. The valley of the shadow of death is a traumatic location. I actually felt shame because I had no way to help myself get over the grief. I just tried to “move on”,

Let me stop here   I can get through the valley because He is with me. I’ll never get “over” my experience in the valley.  I wasn’t asked to get over it   I wasn’t asked to dismiss the valley .  It was an important experience.

One of the hardest valleys I walked through was the death of an unborn baby.  I was in my first trimester, so others couldn’t see the loss that I felt. I kept hearing that it was “destined to happen.” Since I had two healthy children already. The dr said it was no big deal. He literally said it was “water under the bridge. “. I felt guilty , I asked God, “what did I do? Why did you take this life from me?” It’s been over 35 years now and there are times that I still feel that loss. It’s a valley experience. 

I have no grave to mark the living soul that spent such a short time with me.  That infant was and still is a part of who I am. 

There’s no shame in grief. There is no room for guessing why.  . I’ve learned to say “ it hurts and I don’t understand what happened “. 

I was blessed with another child years later, but nothing can replace the one I lost.  I still walk through it, but I’ll never get over it; it happened and it mattered. It’s been years , but sometimes the grief is still palpable.

If you’ve lost a loved one, please honor that life. Walk through the loss by acknowledging the life and recognizing the emptiness left behind  Please don’t try to get over it.  

Don’t try to make yourself feel better by stuffing that grief away. Help will not come through distraction. Feel the loss and find someone who can just let you walk through it. You can walk through it when the Lord is your Shepherd “ just like I did. Jesus is big enough to sit with those of us that grieve.  It takes absolutely no special training to sit, listen , cry, re-live the joys and share unimaginable sorrow. 

We can be Jesus to another by walking through, listening, caring and lending comfort.

I can not feel your pain, that would be dishonoring to your pain.  I can’t take your pain, but I can hold you while you weep. 

Love and comfort are often silent gifts. I’m learning that even though I can’t live in the valley of the shadow of death, I can visit that place with Jesus holding my hand because that loss matters.. 

I can  give  the gift of compassion to those around me. I’ll never  try to distract the person from their pain. I will honor the life lost through compassion. 

Allow compassion to guide you especially when you can’t relate to the pain of others. Don’t try to understand, just lend your heart and your ears.  

I pray that you have much to be grateful for and are surrounded by compassionate people that will be Christ and walk through the pain with you. 

Dismissing a loss is like pretending it never happened. It happened. Walk through the dark holding onto the only person that truly understands and let Him use you to help someone else walk “through “  .

Compassion does not involve pity, just a hug, an ear or a hand until the hurting person  can rise above and get “through” the pain  

Be a friend that can sit with the pain. We don’t need repair or someone to distract us or make us “ feel better”. 

Sometimes we just need someone to loan the comfort they  have, share it and walk through these shadows of death with us. .  It’s uncomfortable to  bear another’s burden.  It takes real compassion and kindness to give it successfully; those gifts are often given in silence.

Honor the loss, but don’t stay in the pace of grief.  Go through it, but never get over it. 

My love to all those that have lost.