Random thoughts about “why “?

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Here are some random thoughts...

First, please subscribe. I enjoy sharing my thoughts with you. I hope you'll add your thoughts. It is no fun thinking all by myself. 😢 

So, first thought...."God, why am I still here?" Do you ever wonder? I have suffered from depression for most of my life and that thought has reoccurred to me FOREVER. I love that people have such wonderful answers (they think). "God has you here for a reason." "There's a purpose to all your suffering." "God has something big in store for you." I have one question. WHY? If that's all true, then, if God loved me wouldn't he tell me my "purpose"? "I'll do it!" Sometimes I just get angry, this is ridiculous! One thing after the other...wash, rinse, repeat.  I was not seeing the upside of this equation.

So, I tried to "manage" my reasons; to play the piano, to sing, to inspire people to... fill in the blank.  I was always searching for a reason. Then people would say "Your victory is right around the corner." That made me neurotic because I was always waiting for "the moment". Sorry, there ain't one.

Ironically, today was a very rough day Without giving out too much information (TMI) because, well, it's personal. But anyway, I hadn't eaten a full meal since June. Nope, not kidding. I was at my wits ends. I'd done everything Dr's told me to do and …, today, I just couldn't take it anymore.  The Dr came up with one more test...I don't know what I was expecting. My expector was tired....I also hadn't slept well in a long time. Was I hungry? Nope...not at all.

After the very invasive procedure today I was so weak that I couldn't walk by myself . Well, if you don't eat or sleep....tada! So, I laid down to rest, this has not gone well in the past, I'd wake up coughing or restless legs... blah, blah.  I ate mashed potatoes and drank a coke and slept! Wow, that was almost weird. 

I have a play list on my phone. It's not super spiritual, it doesn't even stick to one kind of music. I love country music , classical, rock, pop. There are only two kinds of music that do not speak to me; heavy metal and rap music. (sorry). 

I digress. I was playing that list while I was sleeping and I woke up with this thought...are you ready, this is profound! "I'm here because He loves me." He doesn't want me to leave this earth until I could see his love for me, no matter what. Now, that makes no sense, I mean, some of us are really suffering How rude to think God is holding me hostage here until I see how much he loves me?  I'm not sure how to explain this, but I'll try. The kind of love I felt was a "no matter what" love. I don't need to wait for him to do something, or use me in some specific way, or be important., or perform... nope, it's love for loves sake. It's hard to wrap my head around, but my heart finally could grasp that concept.

Now get this, I didn't "stop" doing something or "start" doing something. I didn't do something He approved of, I didn't follow a new rule...dang ( no really). It makes absolutely no sense. I didn't affect change in people around me. All of the "purposes" I've tried to fulfill are great, but they aren't the reason. I realized that, not due to people trying, I could not experience "just" love, I wasn't expecting it from people, from church, from Christians.. everything seemed to come with a condition. "*If you do, I will." 

I live in an unexpected residence. The people that live here have little in common with me, they are just "normal".  I can smell a "fake" person from miles away. But there's a few people that have actually blown my thinking to smithereens.  They have come to my apartment and helped me for no apparent reason. They don't ask me to do anything for them. I thought maybe if I paid them, or something...nothing. One of the beautiful people came to my apartment and brought my wheelchair to my garage because I couldn't walk that far. I kept saying, "what can I do?" Do you know what she said, "get better."  She and her husband have come and walked my service dog to give him exercise when I couldn't, brought me ice cream, applesauce....I didn't even ask. I don't understand it. Now, if I ask them to pick up something for me I always pay them for that, but other than that, they just bring stuff. Love. I finally get it, this is God's love. I don't have to please him, I already do.

So, in this craziness we call life where we can truly count on very little... try just to "be". It's crazy, it doesn't make any sense, I don't deserve it...yet...He loves me.

There will always be wars and famine and stuff 😬, but there will also always be love. America, we aren't divided. We're being told we are by a bunch of people that don't understand our commitment to our God, our nation and each other. 

Pass some love please, I'll take all I can get. For no apparent reason. Here's some from me...💓