Who am I now?

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 I sit here and color with colored pencils in a book that is called “Happy Place.” It’s a beautiful idea. I can list all my happy places in my life. 

You know, holding my babies, loving people enough to risk my sanity , singing, riding horses, playing the piano…all gone. 

My babies now have babies of their own, which I treasure, but I can’t hold them as they grow. I can only watch from a distance. 

I’m still loving people, but I don’t risk my sanity for anyone.., maybe that’s not a bad thing. 

There were years when I sang in the lights, I led others into the presence , lifting their spirits above the troubles of every day.  

 I think horses saved my life. They asked nothing of me. I went to them and gave them love and watched life return to their eyes. I sang to them and brushed  them and when I rode them I was close to heaven. 

Playing the piano for others to enjoy. Participating in their experience.  Giving …

Where’s my relevance? 

My children grew up, people hurt me, I can’t sing because I’m tied to an oxygen tank. I can’t ride horses because I broke my back, I play the piano, but the crowd seems indifferent. 

I won’t mention all I lost because of cancer…

People say there’s a reason. I don’t believe that the God I love planned to break me. Yes I believe there’s a devil, but I can’t imagine why I deserve this much attention. He must have better things to do, I mean, just look around the world. 

Is there a spirit commissioned to destroy me? Probably. But I know that my spirit is safe in Gods arms. My body is the product of a cursed world. 

I could blame God and so many others, but what kind of salvation would that bring to my mind?

Right now I’m fighting to keep salvation in my mind. There’s a battle between what I love and who I love. 

There are times when the world seems a worthless place to be.  Why? Because the things and moments I loved are gone. Can I live for God without my “Happy Places?”

 I look at Daniel (my dog that’s being trained to take care of me.) I wake up with his face to alert me of low oxygen. I make one phone call and people come to help me. They walk Daniel, they bring me food and I do nothing for them.  I don’t understand.

Who am I now? I’m loved for no reason. Maybe the core part of my life that makes me hasn’t changed at all. Maybe all my giving has turned to comfort me when I can’t “ do” and I can’t “give “. 

As I sit here and color I am the one thing that can’t be taken from me. I am grateful.  I will live and die grateful.


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