I’m sorry that you understand

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Have you ever said these words: “if you could just understand ?” 

I’m sure we’ve all said “I understand “ to people going through things we can not comprehend.  It’s our way of pouring out sympathy or trying to emphasize with someone we care about   Don’t stop saying it   But look at it another way.

There have been times in my life that have been hard for me to understand. I used to hear this in church “God puts you through things to help you empathize (or minister) to someone else”   To tell you the truth, that always confused me.  I thought they were telling me that God did terrible things to me so I could relate to someone else. I interpreted that as “God so loved the world that they are more important to Him than I am.”

Have those thoughts ever crossed your mind or am I the only one?  If He puts me through difficult things for the sake of someone else, how does that help them?

This part is going to get very real   

Does God want me to experience rape so I can help a victim? What about abuse, or cancer? Do you see why the theory written above is terrifying?

Have rape victims risen above their experience to help others? Yes and I applaud them   

God is my father   Would I , as a parent , want my child to be raped in order to understand her neighbors pain? NO!

If I put that theory in practice then God could not possibly be a good father  

Do bad things happen to good people? Absolutely. Does God cause those bad things so that good people can understand the suffering of another? I just can’t see that.

The only person that understands all of our pain experienced it on a cross  

Let me express my understanding of suffering   It sucks! I’ve had experiences in my life that I wouldn’t wish on an evil soul.

This hit me hard one day when someone I loved dearly called me to tell me that they’d experienced a pain that I was familiar with.  They said “I finally understand.”  I did not rejoice because “now they get it!” No, I was grieved because they were telling me that they knew the pain I knew. I would give anything for that person to never have “understood “ that pain.

Until that moment the words “I understand “ brought a sort of comfort to me.  But now, when I hear those words, knowing that person understands because of a similar experience, it breaks my heart.

There are things I may never “understand “ , but I can find human sympathy and imagine the horror they are experiencing. I can love, listen, hold their hand, cry with them and ultimately pray for God to heal them, but I can not understand.

I want to change my words of comfort to “I grieve with you, I can’t imagine your pain, I’m sorry, I’m here”  those words bring comfort.  They also admit to the suffering that I have no point of reference for their level of pain, but that’s where love comes in.  The simple words “ I’m here” or “you’re not alone” alleviate pain in a deeper way than a platitude ever could.

One more thought . It doesn’t have anything to do with understanding someone else’s pain, but these words can actually make the pain worse.  “I’m sorry that happened to you.”  Those words , “ to you” send a signal that you are alone in your pain.  That was free  

In closing I wish that you did not understand or have a personal reference to any negative thing that has ever happened to  me.  If you have a personal reference, then you have equal pain, to which I would reply “I’m sorry”.

I wish you a good life, free of understanding, but full of empathy and compassion. I wish for you to never understand.


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