Waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Have you ever had a really nice umbrella, but it had a hole in it? You might not even see the hole, but everytime it rained, you got wet. Is it the umbrella's fault? Nope. Is it your fault? Nope. It's called "wear and tear."

I had an umbrella given to me at birth. It was perfectly fine until life started happening to it. The details aren't important. Me saying that it had some holes in it is an understatement. Mine had gashes in it, but I couldn't figure out where the leakage was coming from.

People have tried to blame me, my skills as an adult, etc. but I just couldn't buy into that reasoning. I've been going to counseling for over 25 years. I've been taught "coping skills" but they were just bandaids that distracted me from the rain.

What I just realized is how the holes in my umbrella affected my family..especially my family.

I often thought to myself, "I'm kind and I've done all I could to protect my family." "Why do they react the way they do?" Why do people walk on eggshells or wait for the "other shoe to drop?"

If I were to label myself I would say that I'm deeply traumatized. Not by only one person, but by life events. I was looking for someone to blame for these issues. I even tried to blame myself. " If I had not done..." you fill in the blank, then ...."would not have happened."

So, I was given an illustration by a dear friend. I hope it helps you.

My family never saw my umbrella. They only saw the "fall out" that happened when my umbrella leaked. Guess what? It leaked on them too. Not only have they dealt with the fallout from my umbrella I gave them bum umbrellas too. So, when mine burst, theirs was traumatized from the fallout of mine.

I couldn't see it. All these years I've tried to find someone or something to blame. There isn't anyone. I inherited that umbrella from my parents who had holes in theirs. I patched up the obvious holes and tried not to pass them down to my children, but there were holes I was unaware of that I passed down to them. I hope this post helps somebody stop raining on their family.

I was always baffled "Why do they treat ....that way? When I'm so kind?" It's a legitimate question. Today I understand. The persons I thought about who was a known abuser was one particular thing; consistent. Everyone knew what to expect of them. When they were crabby or angry or lazy, it was labeled. "That's just them." That kind of thinking baffled me until today.

You see, my goal was to present a consistent image for my family and others to see. I wanted to always be kind, generous, honest, etc. But the problem was, I had no insulation for the weak areas of my umbrella. The tears would show and the rain would gush down and I'd be labeled "irrational" or any other terms people used to try to understand me. 

I've been taking care of myself for many years. I have three degrees to my name. I am educated, I am a writer, a musician, a singer and a creator of anything I can figure out how to make. I like to discover things on my own. I use instructions but only as guidelines, not as fact.

I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be the self sufficient, warrior, encourager. The problem? I was 90% of the time. The other 10% just fell out of the sky as in the "dropping the other shoe" .  It wasn't the kind and nice and giving me that was the problem it was the holey, worn, leaking umbrella part of my life.

Recently I looked at my umbrella in full openness and curiosity and said, "Man, look at all of those holes!"  Then I looked at how my family saw me and I realized they do love me, they just don't know which "me" is going to show up. The person I try to be or the leaking person that just falls out of the sky. It's caused a lot of unintended trauma. The very thing I was trying to protect them from was falling out of my sky. Hence "the other shoe."

I've tried maintaining my composure, but people who were close to me for my earlier years are still waiting for the fallout. They are literally waiting for the other shoe to fall. To tell you the truth...so was I. I had no idea when my umbrella would fail, I just knew it would and there didn't seem to be any logic to it. So, the person who is abusive is expected to be abusive. It's easy to build a guard around a hole that you can see. But if you don't see it, or expect it or even know to look for it, you end up getting hurt.

I did not choose to be unsafe. Whatever was holding me together had melting points. Those melting points came as a surprise to me and to my family. So, even though I tried to remain stable the least little variation would bring on "oh no, here we go again." They grew tired of it and so did I.

Yes, there are still areas that have holes. I'm working on it. But I won't try to overcompensate for them by "faking" it or pretending to be one way only to "surprise" be the me that was in pain.

Life is a journey and I wanted it to be an expedition that suddenly stopped so I could go home and rest. The problem was there was no "safe place" to go and I could never rest "The hole might cave".

Truth, I was afraid I'd do "it" again, without understanding what "it" was without blaming someone or myself or looking at this umbrella with the compassion it deserved because it had weathered many, many storms and was unfit to cover me or my family.

What's next? I expect to have every opportunity to be stable for myself and it will affect those around me and their futures. I will have a safe umbrella, no patches....not perfect, just stable and safe.

The shoe has dropped and it was mine.