Redefining Loneliness
Have you ever heard words: "Jesus is enough" and felt condemned?
It's a very religious thing to say to somebody. But if you're like me, you hear, "What's wrong with you?"
So, throughout the years I've done a lot of studying about loneliness. Most of us know that loneliness has nothing to do with how many people are in the room with you. Sometimes people are even lonely in the midst of a crowded room of their friends or family.
Loneliness is not a disease, but it causes much discomfort. To some people loneliness is like a slow agonizing death. I understand that. Today I want to redefine loneliness and talk a little about how to cope with it.
Some people cope with loneliness by jumping into a new relationship, only to find that they are just as lonely as they were before, if not more. I've seen it so many times. I've had single friends who would just die without a husband or wife, but when they got one they were so sad. Their previous aloneness was much better than the close proximity of another person.
Every relationship has a "want". What do you "want" out of this relationship? It's a very fair question to ask. Here's another good question. What do you "need" to end the aloneness you feel?
I've had people tell me to do good for other people and you will be fulfilled. My whole life has been spent doing good for other people and I never felt satisfied. The gnawing hunger of loneliness will consume every relationship, if you don't recognize it and deal with it head on.
I tried joining church groups. No offense meant, but they never met my inner need. It wasn't their fault. If I don't know what I need how is someone else supposed to know?
When I got "unmarried" I knew what I needed (or so I thought). I asked for three things to sustain me. 1) A big dog 2) A GPS 3) A handyman that I could trust. I had all of those things, but was still absolutely lonely. I tried and tried to fill that void. I tried to be religious and brave... none of those things helped me. None.
So, what changed? In my case I defined loneliness. You can't fix something if you don't know what it is. In my case loneliness was not just being alone. It was not having a healthy connection with a healthy individual that really wanted nothing from me. Isn't that odd? I'd been trying to fill the void by meeting the needs of others, but did not know what my own need was. I would cry out to the Lord, "It's not fair"! "Everybody I know has somebody and here I am sitting by myself in restaurants and at home and even the movies!" I was really angry.
Don't tell me that God is enough. Why? Well, if he'd been enough even for himself why would he have three distinct personalities? If he'd been enough for himself why did he create human beings? He had angels and all of Heaven to agree with everything he did. How did God know that Adam was lonely? This may blow up religious thinking patterns, but God was alone.
A secondary portion of this thought process has led me to the fact that God will not break your will. I know, it sounded so good until then. Think about it with me.. He created man in his image, just like him. Even Jesus could have chosen not to go to the cross. He gave his will to his father. That's why God gave us a will. We have the ability, responsibility and the privilege to choose. He needed us to "choose" him. WOW!
I think loneliness stems partly from a feeling of not being chosen by someone. Not just God who you can't really touch or feel, but by another human being who knows and cares that you exist. I'm not going to give you religious jargon about "If you were more spiritual" blah, blah, blah. You are a human being. You were created to need two things for your soul to prosper: God and healthy relationships. If we miss one or the other, we just aren't whole.
I looked around my life and found out where the loneliness was coming from. It wasn't the lack of people (although that was important). It was a lack of people that actually heard me, listened to me and respected me enough to tell me the truth.
Since moving to Oklahoma I have grown into several healthy relationships. Notice I did not say "perfect".There ain't none (as my southern Grandmother would say). I have developed relationships with people who do not need to come home with me, who do not need to hold my hand, who do not need to solve any crisis for me. Matter of fact they really don't need me at all. Isn't that odd?
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I've been told that if you just find your purpose you will be satisfied. I've had purpose, I've done and done and done and done until I had almost nothing left and I was just as empty if not more so than when I started. I need people that don't need me to fix them. WOW!
Could it be that we're looking for something from someone that we have defined as "loneliness" when in reality it's just good relationships that we're looking for? I don't need to fix them, they don't need to fix me. I don't need to tell them they are wrong or them to tell me if I'm wrong. Now if they come to a bridge that is out in the middle of the road of life I will let them know, but I won't interfere with their decision to jump that washed out bridge. I won't laugh at them or tell them that "I told you so". I'll simply be there.
Do you have anyone in your life that is just "there" for you? They don't need anything from you, there is no hidden agenda, they are just "life partners". I can not exist without life partners. I don't need just one, I need several. The requirements are simple: be honest, be real and be free to disagree. Do you have anyone in your life like that?
They really are hard to find and it takes a great deal of time and effort and trust building to create this safety haven from loneliness. I searched most of my life for someone to fill that need, but again, I really didn't know what that need was. I didn't need the approval of others or someone to simply agree with me. I needed a partner in life, no I needed many partners in life. I needed an army of partners to join me in my journey. Some of those relationships will last forever, some will only be temporary. But I rejoice in every one of them. Now I know what I need and I know how to ask and I know how to find it, I know when I see it and I know when I don't.
Could we replace loneliness with a support system of people that just don't need anything from us? That's where I am right now. I'm in a safe place with people who do not need to come and live with me, they do not need to fix me or do anything for me, they just need to be.
Let me give you a brief example. I work crazy hours, but I love my job! When most people are asleep, I am awake. By the time 11:00 am rolls around I feel like the whole day has been spent. It's an adjustment. But God knows I still need "people" time. I had asked a friend earlier this week if she had some "face time" (that's what I like to call it). She didn't. Guess what? It was okay, She wasn't rejecting me, she just had something else she had to do. So, I gave it to God. Yep, I gave him my need for fellowship with another human being.
I laid down to sleep and woke up unusually early (for the second time) and thought to myself "Why am I awake?" It was too early to be re-awakened. Then I looked at my phone. There was a message from that same friend. "I'm done early, can we still meet for lunch?" I was wide awake after that. I got dressed (re-dressed) and we met for lunch and spent about two hours talking about everything and nothing. She was not worried about what I thought and I have no concerns about her thoughts of me. She didn't run home with me to fix my problems and I didn't run home with her to fix hers. Matter of fact there really wasn't any fixing to be done. I learned a lot from her and she listened and learned from me. That my friends is a cure for loneliness.
In closing, redefining loneliness is as simple or complicated as actually defining loneliness. Where do I feel abandoned? Where do I feel like I'm not chosen? Why do I feel that way? What am I missing and what do I need? It's different for each of us. I don't have any pat answers that will just magically make loneliness disappear, but I have some ideas on how and where to look for what is causing me to feel alone. God loves me. I have no doubt in my mind, but I wasn't sure if he liked me. I wasn't sure if I could just be me and live without negative consequences. The "What if I'm wrong?" thinking was keeping me in a prison of loneliness. My thoughts now? " What if I'm wrong?" "So what?" I have that confidence because I'm developing healthy relationships, I'm being authentic and true to what God has put in my heart just to be as a person.
I need to know "Who has my back?" "Do I have a person to call that I can just talk to?" "Are they safe and will they keep my confidence?" Yes I do know who has my back.. God has my back first and foremost and he gave me friends to shore up the areas that he intended for them to reach. Faith...isn't that odd? Faith that he isn't enough, but will direct me to the very thing I need to help me repeal the prison sentence that loneliness had imposed upon me.
There are people in my life that do my hair that I know I can count on. There are people from church that I know I can be honest with. There are friends that have very little in common with me, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, they are real, they are honest and they absolutely do not need me. WOW! I hope you find a group of people who don't need you to set you free from the despair that loneliness brings. Define it, redefine it and let God help you find a solution. If he created a need for people in our hearts it would be unjust for him not to provide those people. Seek and ye shall find? Hmmm.... Think about it and let me know what you think.
