Why do I feel so confused?
Here's an interesting thought. In the past few months I've seen some miracles. I was obedient to make a bear or send a random gift and tada! The problem with that is there have been some miracles that are slow in coming.
There's a precious little boy that is having seizures uncontrollably. I made him a stuffed animal to comfort him. My hope was that he'd be one of those miracles and find healing. Up to this point that has not happened. I felt a gift of prophecy over another child stating that his father was coming home. I fully expect(ed) it to happen. It has not, as of this writing.
I, myself, have been suffering with a bout of PTSD and depression. I got "triggered" (yes that's a real thing). The little boy didn't get better and the father didn't come home (yet).
Today I am feeling better and so I found someone to blame for the failures of the "magic". It had to be my fault! What???? Exactly. The little boy with the seizures didn't get his healing (yet) because I thought I had something to do with it and God will not share His glory. (?) I somehow thought I could help him, so the Lord made sure my gifts didn't help him. Is that amazing?
Either way, the healing or not healing of this little boy became about me. Like God was so stuffy that if I some how believed I had something to do with it, he wouldn't do it anymore. After all, "God will not share His glory with another."
Today I'm thinking about all of this and I thought "either way it has something to do with me." I did something wrong and these boys haven't seen their miracle. Well, that's just ridiculous.
All I've ever done is follow His voice in making these animals and even sending off special care packages. The power that I have in my hand is to give hope. It's a gift God has given me and He's okay if I own it. But in my mind it isn't okay if I believe their healing has something to do with me. To the point that if I do...God won't do it! Who am I?
Is God withholding miracles because of me? I certainly hope not or there's no hope for any of us. He already knows I'm not perfect; that's His favorite.
I am so sorry. I will continue to dispense hope. I will let it go after that. The rest is clearly up to God. I take me out of the way and I put me in the way. I take me out of the way by thinking that their healing or miracles has anything to do with me. I put myself in the way by using the gift of hope I've been given and not hesitating to share that gift with everyone. Everyone! Not just those in desperate situations.
See I always believed that healing or the lack thereof had something to do with something I was doing right or wrong. It's madness, but it was what I believed. If that were true, wouldn't God be limited by my humanity? If that were true could my little person stop the power of an all powerful God? Finally it makes no sense.
I know, you thought I was going to say, "finally it makes sense". Nope, I was right the first time. Finally it makes no sense to me that I have anything to do with anything God does other than to follow His lead and to let it go (as the song says).
It must be hard having a "miracle ministry". The miracle part would be ecstatic, but the lack of miracles would be devastating.
Lesson learned? I'm not ready for Him to use me. But, who ever is? Because if I were ready it would have something to do with me. So, I give up! But I'll keep using the gift He's given me and I'll make teddy bears or send random presents or prophecy and then...."let it go". I can't do anything else.
Lastly, Thank you God for not giving me the responsibility to be "right" in order for You to do Your thing. Wow, what a relief. I have hesitated the past few weeks because I lost faith. Not in God, but in the gift He'd given me. Wow!
Do you see the pattern? Either way, it has something to do with me. I'm walking away now. I give up completely. I will do random acts of kindness because Jesus said to love others as you love yourself. If I have anything to learn it's that I don't truly love myself. If I did, I'd see that His love has nothing to do with me.
There's a precious little boy that is having seizures uncontrollably. I made him a stuffed animal to comfort him. My hope was that he'd be one of those miracles and find healing. Up to this point that has not happened. I felt a gift of prophecy over another child stating that his father was coming home. I fully expect(ed) it to happen. It has not, as of this writing.
I, myself, have been suffering with a bout of PTSD and depression. I got "triggered" (yes that's a real thing). The little boy didn't get better and the father didn't come home (yet).
Today I am feeling better and so I found someone to blame for the failures of the "magic". It had to be my fault! What???? Exactly. The little boy with the seizures didn't get his healing (yet) because I thought I had something to do with it and God will not share His glory. (?) I somehow thought I could help him, so the Lord made sure my gifts didn't help him. Is that amazing?
Either way, the healing or not healing of this little boy became about me. Like God was so stuffy that if I some how believed I had something to do with it, he wouldn't do it anymore. After all, "God will not share His glory with another."
Today I'm thinking about all of this and I thought "either way it has something to do with me." I did something wrong and these boys haven't seen their miracle. Well, that's just ridiculous.
All I've ever done is follow His voice in making these animals and even sending off special care packages. The power that I have in my hand is to give hope. It's a gift God has given me and He's okay if I own it. But in my mind it isn't okay if I believe their healing has something to do with me. To the point that if I do...God won't do it! Who am I?
Is God withholding miracles because of me? I certainly hope not or there's no hope for any of us. He already knows I'm not perfect; that's His favorite.
I am so sorry. I will continue to dispense hope. I will let it go after that. The rest is clearly up to God. I take me out of the way and I put me in the way. I take me out of the way by thinking that their healing or miracles has anything to do with me. I put myself in the way by using the gift of hope I've been given and not hesitating to share that gift with everyone. Everyone! Not just those in desperate situations.
See I always believed that healing or the lack thereof had something to do with something I was doing right or wrong. It's madness, but it was what I believed. If that were true, wouldn't God be limited by my humanity? If that were true could my little person stop the power of an all powerful God? Finally it makes no sense.
I know, you thought I was going to say, "finally it makes sense". Nope, I was right the first time. Finally it makes no sense to me that I have anything to do with anything God does other than to follow His lead and to let it go (as the song says).
It must be hard having a "miracle ministry". The miracle part would be ecstatic, but the lack of miracles would be devastating.
Lesson learned? I'm not ready for Him to use me. But, who ever is? Because if I were ready it would have something to do with me. So, I give up! But I'll keep using the gift He's given me and I'll make teddy bears or send random presents or prophecy and then...."let it go". I can't do anything else.
Lastly, Thank you God for not giving me the responsibility to be "right" in order for You to do Your thing. Wow, what a relief. I have hesitated the past few weeks because I lost faith. Not in God, but in the gift He'd given me. Wow!
Do you see the pattern? Either way, it has something to do with me. I'm walking away now. I give up completely. I will do random acts of kindness because Jesus said to love others as you love yourself. If I have anything to learn it's that I don't truly love myself. If I did, I'd see that His love has nothing to do with me.
Comments