The abusers words from my own mouth. How did that happen?
I opened my mouth and out came the words I'd heard so often. "How could you think that of me?"
I was both stunned and disgusted. Abusers use those words to keep their victims from realizing they are victims. I can't tell you how many times I heard "I would never do that. Don't you know me better than that? I'm your xyz... how could you think that of me?
I pray to God that this helps someone. Abusers leave scars. The physical scars are easy to show and people are more likely to help. However, there is a type of abuse that runs deep, never to be seen by another human being.
If the abuser is really good, he/she will make their victim believe they are the only one that triggers this negative behavior. Years later the victim finds out that there were many like him/her that also thought they were the only one. It's horrific to find out that you were not alone in the madness.
I often thought of myself as "strong enough." I know this person is wrong, I can't prove it, but I'm strong enough to handle it. No, I wasn't and no I'm not.
This is not a sob story or a bid for attention this is a wake up call. If you have been the victim of abuse watch out for those scars. Most people would never repeat the abusive behavior, but the thoughts of a victim are always with us.
Recently I had a little confusion with a friend over something I said. I was actually angry at myself because I'd done something ....well....only I can. lol I had asked for help, but in the meantime I was fussing about my own stupidity.... or whatever you want to call it. There was no one else in the room so the person helping me assumed that I was fussing at them. That was the furthest thing from my mind, but my reaction woke me up. I got upset that the person could "think" that I'd be upset with them for something they had nothing to do with. "How could you think I would treat you like that?"
I didn't immediately apologize or own my behavior, I repeated the abusers words I had heard so many times.
I have to tell you it shook me. It shook me to the point that I am writing this blog about it. I would never raise my hand to someone I loved (although there was that one time....long story). I don't have it in me to randomly yell at someone (except for when I did). It's not in my nature! Really? Whose nature do I have? How have I been trained? What did I have to believe was acceptable for the abuser to continue his/her control over me?
"It's only hurting me. He/she only acts like that when I'm around. If I act better and am compliant with their (unknowable) expectations the abuse will stop" Lies....If someone is an abuser, they are not singling you out, they have an addiction to hate and manipulation and they will abuse anyone they can control.
I can't express the horror of living in a world where I never knew what the next minute would be like. Many of you can relate. I'm not bringing this up to stir the hurt. I'm bringing this up in hopes of warning you. Do not let your words be the echoes of your abuser.
People are not consistent. We can't be. Things around us change at a rapid pace, therefore our reactions change as well.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I would never do that!" only to wake up doing it? I'm not talking about the overt actions of the abuser, most people fight those impulses with everything within them. I am however talking about conditioned behavior.
I was conditioned that I was the problem. I was conditioned to think that I could "outsmart" this behavior. I was conditioned to believe I was somehow in control.
How do you keep an elephant tied to a tiny pole? When he is little you tie him to a big pole. He can't get free so he gives up and believes that he can not escape. When he is big enough to escape they can tie a tiny rope around the elephants foot and "tada!" It's as helpless against that little rope as it was the large rope. It lost its identity, it lost its power, it lost its will...it was trained to give up.
There is hope. When I heard those awful words come out of my mouth I took a serious look at the situation. How could the person "NOT" believe I was fussing at them? They were the only other person in the room. Who else would I be fussing at? After giving it much thought I apologized and realized that any rational person would have believed I was fussing at them.
I looked back over my life and heard those words echo throughout. If it looks like a sheep and it smells like a sheep and it walks like a sheep...you guessed it...it's a sheep. So, whether I intended to victimize that person or not, it looked like I was, it sounded like I was and the results were the same as if I had done it on purpose.
Maybe "fussing" at someone is too simple of a thought process, but it caused a great awakening in me. I never want to hear those words come out of my mouth ever again. I have to own my behavior. If I've been kind 99.9 percent of the time and at one point .01 I act differently...why would anyone believe that was just a one time event? If I had taken notice of the may "one time offenses" I may have realized that I had the power of a grown elephant and could break that chain anytime I wanted to do so.
My advice....listen for the echo of the abuser in your own life. What have you been conditioned to believe is normal and acceptable when it is not? Why would anyone think the better of me in this chaotic world where nothing is as it seems? Preachers fall, politicians fall, leaders fall....everybody falls. The problem is not the fall it's the height from which you fall.
A preacher is standing on a very high platform. When he/she falls there is a lot of damage done to everyone looking up to them. Never assume that what you're seeing is not the truth. On the other hand don't look for abusers under every tree. There is a balance in life.
To tell you the truth, we can all be an abuser at any moment. Paul said that he does what he doesn't want to do and he doesn't do what he wants to do. I'm certainly not any different than him.
Truth: if I'm acting like a duck I need to recognize that behavior and find the rational solution. In this most recent case I looked at the situation for what it was and said, "I'm sorry. I can understand why you would think that." Reality. It not only set them free, it set me free. I think there was a false sense of pride that "I couldn't possibly repeat such behavior. I was a victim!" Wrong. I can repeat the behavior because I was trained that such behavior was rational and acceptable.
Please listen to yourself, watch yourself, guard yourself. Do not let the abuser win by having you repeat the abuse, even unknowingly.
I hope this helps somebody. It was eye opening for me. I will no longer assume that somebody (anybody) know me to be perfect and without flaw. I am flawed and I will make mistakes. I am human and imperfect. Maybe recognizing that will help me hear those words that echo in my mind and keep them from pouring out of my mouth.
In closing (it's a church thing)...someone once told me something that changed my life forever. Let me share it with you. Honesty and realistic expectations:
"I love you. I would never hurt you purposefully, but I do not know your background, I do not know your soul and I do not know your hurts. Therefore I will hurt you. But...your job, as you gain trust in me...is to let me know so I can either apologize or change my behavior."
This is a good litmus test for any relationship. If you hurt me and I tell you and you do it over and over again....I will not expect the best from you. I will clearly understand that you can not control your behavior or you do not want to. Many people are very comfortable with their own dysfunction.
Keep your eyes open. The Bible says we will know each other by our fruit. I like to think we will know each other by our consistent and sometimes inconsistent behavior, what we do when we surprise ourselves and disappoint ourselves and ask ourselves ."Have I passed that negative behavior on to someone else?".
Reality? I don't know you, you don't know me. I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until you show me differently. Wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. Hmmm....Do you know what makes a serpent wise? It is always aware of its surroundings. It's on the ground, or in a tree, it is always at a disadvantage so it has to pay attention. I wonder if that's what Jesus meant. Be constantly aware of your short comings, aware of what's going on around you and rise above it like a dove.
Something to think about...
I was both stunned and disgusted. Abusers use those words to keep their victims from realizing they are victims. I can't tell you how many times I heard "I would never do that. Don't you know me better than that? I'm your xyz... how could you think that of me?
I pray to God that this helps someone. Abusers leave scars. The physical scars are easy to show and people are more likely to help. However, there is a type of abuse that runs deep, never to be seen by another human being.
If the abuser is really good, he/she will make their victim believe they are the only one that triggers this negative behavior. Years later the victim finds out that there were many like him/her that also thought they were the only one. It's horrific to find out that you were not alone in the madness.
I often thought of myself as "strong enough." I know this person is wrong, I can't prove it, but I'm strong enough to handle it. No, I wasn't and no I'm not.
This is not a sob story or a bid for attention this is a wake up call. If you have been the victim of abuse watch out for those scars. Most people would never repeat the abusive behavior, but the thoughts of a victim are always with us.
Recently I had a little confusion with a friend over something I said. I was actually angry at myself because I'd done something ....well....only I can. lol I had asked for help, but in the meantime I was fussing about my own stupidity.... or whatever you want to call it. There was no one else in the room so the person helping me assumed that I was fussing at them. That was the furthest thing from my mind, but my reaction woke me up. I got upset that the person could "think" that I'd be upset with them for something they had nothing to do with. "How could you think I would treat you like that?"
I didn't immediately apologize or own my behavior, I repeated the abusers words I had heard so many times.
I have to tell you it shook me. It shook me to the point that I am writing this blog about it. I would never raise my hand to someone I loved (although there was that one time....long story). I don't have it in me to randomly yell at someone (except for when I did). It's not in my nature! Really? Whose nature do I have? How have I been trained? What did I have to believe was acceptable for the abuser to continue his/her control over me?
"It's only hurting me. He/she only acts like that when I'm around. If I act better and am compliant with their (unknowable) expectations the abuse will stop" Lies....If someone is an abuser, they are not singling you out, they have an addiction to hate and manipulation and they will abuse anyone they can control.
I can't express the horror of living in a world where I never knew what the next minute would be like. Many of you can relate. I'm not bringing this up to stir the hurt. I'm bringing this up in hopes of warning you. Do not let your words be the echoes of your abuser.
People are not consistent. We can't be. Things around us change at a rapid pace, therefore our reactions change as well.
How many times have you said to yourself, "I would never do that!" only to wake up doing it? I'm not talking about the overt actions of the abuser, most people fight those impulses with everything within them. I am however talking about conditioned behavior.
I was conditioned that I was the problem. I was conditioned to think that I could "outsmart" this behavior. I was conditioned to believe I was somehow in control.
How do you keep an elephant tied to a tiny pole? When he is little you tie him to a big pole. He can't get free so he gives up and believes that he can not escape. When he is big enough to escape they can tie a tiny rope around the elephants foot and "tada!" It's as helpless against that little rope as it was the large rope. It lost its identity, it lost its power, it lost its will...it was trained to give up.
There is hope. When I heard those awful words come out of my mouth I took a serious look at the situation. How could the person "NOT" believe I was fussing at them? They were the only other person in the room. Who else would I be fussing at? After giving it much thought I apologized and realized that any rational person would have believed I was fussing at them.
I looked back over my life and heard those words echo throughout. If it looks like a sheep and it smells like a sheep and it walks like a sheep...you guessed it...it's a sheep. So, whether I intended to victimize that person or not, it looked like I was, it sounded like I was and the results were the same as if I had done it on purpose.
Maybe "fussing" at someone is too simple of a thought process, but it caused a great awakening in me. I never want to hear those words come out of my mouth ever again. I have to own my behavior. If I've been kind 99.9 percent of the time and at one point .01 I act differently...why would anyone believe that was just a one time event? If I had taken notice of the may "one time offenses" I may have realized that I had the power of a grown elephant and could break that chain anytime I wanted to do so.
My advice....listen for the echo of the abuser in your own life. What have you been conditioned to believe is normal and acceptable when it is not? Why would anyone think the better of me in this chaotic world where nothing is as it seems? Preachers fall, politicians fall, leaders fall....everybody falls. The problem is not the fall it's the height from which you fall.
A preacher is standing on a very high platform. When he/she falls there is a lot of damage done to everyone looking up to them. Never assume that what you're seeing is not the truth. On the other hand don't look for abusers under every tree. There is a balance in life.
To tell you the truth, we can all be an abuser at any moment. Paul said that he does what he doesn't want to do and he doesn't do what he wants to do. I'm certainly not any different than him.
Truth: if I'm acting like a duck I need to recognize that behavior and find the rational solution. In this most recent case I looked at the situation for what it was and said, "I'm sorry. I can understand why you would think that." Reality. It not only set them free, it set me free. I think there was a false sense of pride that "I couldn't possibly repeat such behavior. I was a victim!" Wrong. I can repeat the behavior because I was trained that such behavior was rational and acceptable.
Please listen to yourself, watch yourself, guard yourself. Do not let the abuser win by having you repeat the abuse, even unknowingly.
I hope this helps somebody. It was eye opening for me. I will no longer assume that somebody (anybody) know me to be perfect and without flaw. I am flawed and I will make mistakes. I am human and imperfect. Maybe recognizing that will help me hear those words that echo in my mind and keep them from pouring out of my mouth.
In closing (it's a church thing)...someone once told me something that changed my life forever. Let me share it with you. Honesty and realistic expectations:
"I love you. I would never hurt you purposefully, but I do not know your background, I do not know your soul and I do not know your hurts. Therefore I will hurt you. But...your job, as you gain trust in me...is to let me know so I can either apologize or change my behavior."
This is a good litmus test for any relationship. If you hurt me and I tell you and you do it over and over again....I will not expect the best from you. I will clearly understand that you can not control your behavior or you do not want to. Many people are very comfortable with their own dysfunction.
Keep your eyes open. The Bible says we will know each other by our fruit. I like to think we will know each other by our consistent and sometimes inconsistent behavior, what we do when we surprise ourselves and disappoint ourselves and ask ourselves ."Have I passed that negative behavior on to someone else?".
Reality? I don't know you, you don't know me. I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until you show me differently. Wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. Hmmm....Do you know what makes a serpent wise? It is always aware of its surroundings. It's on the ground, or in a tree, it is always at a disadvantage so it has to pay attention. I wonder if that's what Jesus meant. Be constantly aware of your short comings, aware of what's going on around you and rise above it like a dove.
Something to think about...
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