He took my sins, but can he take my honesty?
Isn't that an odd question to ask? I've discovered something very real about myself and my relationship with God. I've "expected things" of me. Yes, you read that right. I have expected me to be "perfect"....no not in the way that you may imagine, but in the way that I am "supposed to be".
Growing up in Church was both good and bad....please do not jump to a conclusion until you've read the whole story. The good part is that I got to know Him, the bad part is that I got to know Him through the lens of other people's visions of Him. Stick with me, it will all make sense.
I had a vision tonight as I was with some ORU students and we were worshiping God with a group from "The Upper Room". You can find them on YouTube. They just worship the Lord. I bet we probably sang three songs in three hours? Nobody noticed. There was silence and there was shouting and there was...Jesus.
In my vision I saw a group of children in the sunlight racing around a diamond. The diamond was huge and it had many facets. Each child was looking through a different facet and shouting to the other one, "come look what I see." Then they would run together to see what was on the other side. The cool part...they were all looking at the same thing...Jesus and He was smiling and laughing as they discovered different sides of his personality.
I guess I never thought about Jesus having a personality. That's a problem growing up in church. Jesus fit into a book and he fit in a bulletin and he fit in a program. As a child it can be comforting to "comprehend" what Jesus is like, but the problem is that as a child I learned who I was supposed to be from that book. Isn't that odd? I didn't learn who He was, I learned what to be and who I thought he expected me to be. There were a bunch of rules to follow and little grace.
Big disclaimer: No one person was responsible for my perception. It took a life time to come to such conclusions and many, many voices to cement those thoughts into my head.
I didn't look at Peter walking on the water. I saw him fail. I didn't see Sampson kill the Philistines I saw his eyes gauged out and his hair cut and him suffering at a wheel while being made fun of by those same Philistine.
I didn't see David killing Goliath, I saw him murder Uriah.
In other words, I saw their faults. I saw how they disappointed God and I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to disappoint God...ever. So, I tried to figure out what he expected of me and tried to do that.
Here are the words that came to me tonight. "I accept all that is in 'Him' that I can not comprehend. I resign from all the things I 'think' I have to do." I don't know if I can adequately express the sense of acceptance I felt tonight.
I've been journaling a lot lately about "truth". I always thought truth was a constant. You know, black and white, no grey or in between. Truth = Rules. That's not correct. I understand that now.
I will never know all that is truth because I won't live long enough to comprehend what truth is, or who He is. It's okay. It's okay for me to say, "You know Jesus, that thing that I've been trying to do? I don't know how."
Are you putting pressure on yourself to follow rules and missing the miracles that surround you? I have. I admit it. I've been so busy trying to "figure things out" that I've missed the point. He IS...that's it. He is...
You see...Moses split the water with a rod. Peter walked on water. Gideon slew a mighty army because he walked in the right direction. Leapers picked up the spoils of a nation because God multiplied their foot steps to sound like a mighty army. Sampson took all of the Philistines with him when he surrendered to God's plan.
I've been so focused on the mistakes because I didn't want to disappoint Him, that I've missed the miracles. So, while Jesus died to take my sins..can he accept my simple honesty? Does my lack of ability or faith or whatever.... reduce His ability? No, He is...whether I am or not.
So tonight I rest in freedom. Tonight I lay in his arms and say "I don't get it. I'm not perfect. I'll never understand, " and He'll lovingly take my face in his hands and say , "of course you don't." Not as a put down but with total and complete acceptance of my humanity.
I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I could not see him as my friend. My perceptions of who I was supposed to be drove me away when his mercy was begging me just to be honest.
So, the answer to my question is, Yes he took my sins, Yes, he can handle my honesty. I'm taking another look at Jesus to see all the many facets of his beauty. Knowing full well that I will never, this side of Heaven, understand any of it. It's impossible to comprehend all that he is because I don't know what that's like.
My prayer tonight. "Jesus reveal to me who you are in spite of what I think I am supposed to do or be. Let me see your face in every light. Let me see your laughter and your gentleness and your mercy. Let me see you reaching your hand down for Peter as he sank and smiling with pride that he stepped out of that boat."
Growing up in Church was both good and bad....please do not jump to a conclusion until you've read the whole story. The good part is that I got to know Him, the bad part is that I got to know Him through the lens of other people's visions of Him. Stick with me, it will all make sense.
I had a vision tonight as I was with some ORU students and we were worshiping God with a group from "The Upper Room". You can find them on YouTube. They just worship the Lord. I bet we probably sang three songs in three hours? Nobody noticed. There was silence and there was shouting and there was...Jesus.
In my vision I saw a group of children in the sunlight racing around a diamond. The diamond was huge and it had many facets. Each child was looking through a different facet and shouting to the other one, "come look what I see." Then they would run together to see what was on the other side. The cool part...they were all looking at the same thing...Jesus and He was smiling and laughing as they discovered different sides of his personality.
I guess I never thought about Jesus having a personality. That's a problem growing up in church. Jesus fit into a book and he fit in a bulletin and he fit in a program. As a child it can be comforting to "comprehend" what Jesus is like, but the problem is that as a child I learned who I was supposed to be from that book. Isn't that odd? I didn't learn who He was, I learned what to be and who I thought he expected me to be. There were a bunch of rules to follow and little grace.
Big disclaimer: No one person was responsible for my perception. It took a life time to come to such conclusions and many, many voices to cement those thoughts into my head.
I didn't look at Peter walking on the water. I saw him fail. I didn't see Sampson kill the Philistines I saw his eyes gauged out and his hair cut and him suffering at a wheel while being made fun of by those same Philistine.
I didn't see David killing Goliath, I saw him murder Uriah.
In other words, I saw their faults. I saw how they disappointed God and I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to disappoint God...ever. So, I tried to figure out what he expected of me and tried to do that.
Here are the words that came to me tonight. "I accept all that is in 'Him' that I can not comprehend. I resign from all the things I 'think' I have to do." I don't know if I can adequately express the sense of acceptance I felt tonight.
I've been journaling a lot lately about "truth". I always thought truth was a constant. You know, black and white, no grey or in between. Truth = Rules. That's not correct. I understand that now.
I will never know all that is truth because I won't live long enough to comprehend what truth is, or who He is. It's okay. It's okay for me to say, "You know Jesus, that thing that I've been trying to do? I don't know how."
Are you putting pressure on yourself to follow rules and missing the miracles that surround you? I have. I admit it. I've been so busy trying to "figure things out" that I've missed the point. He IS...that's it. He is...
You see...Moses split the water with a rod. Peter walked on water. Gideon slew a mighty army because he walked in the right direction. Leapers picked up the spoils of a nation because God multiplied their foot steps to sound like a mighty army. Sampson took all of the Philistines with him when he surrendered to God's plan.
I've been so focused on the mistakes because I didn't want to disappoint Him, that I've missed the miracles. So, while Jesus died to take my sins..can he accept my simple honesty? Does my lack of ability or faith or whatever.... reduce His ability? No, He is...whether I am or not.
So tonight I rest in freedom. Tonight I lay in his arms and say "I don't get it. I'm not perfect. I'll never understand, " and He'll lovingly take my face in his hands and say , "of course you don't." Not as a put down but with total and complete acceptance of my humanity.
I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I could not see him as my friend. My perceptions of who I was supposed to be drove me away when his mercy was begging me just to be honest.
So, the answer to my question is, Yes he took my sins, Yes, he can handle my honesty. I'm taking another look at Jesus to see all the many facets of his beauty. Knowing full well that I will never, this side of Heaven, understand any of it. It's impossible to comprehend all that he is because I don't know what that's like.
My prayer tonight. "Jesus reveal to me who you are in spite of what I think I am supposed to do or be. Let me see your face in every light. Let me see your laughter and your gentleness and your mercy. Let me see you reaching your hand down for Peter as he sank and smiling with pride that he stepped out of that boat."
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