A Survivor's Struggle part two
Thank you for coming back and staying with me during my "figuring things out."
So, here's what happened next. I was trying to stay afloat in every way imaginable. I was working my business and trying to go on with what was left of my life. I was absolutely alone.
One day, I was driving down a road (and you may have read this before) and my car threw me into a house going 55 mph. Knocked the house off of its foundation and my car was a tin can. The engine dropped and I'm sure that had a lot to do with my survival. If it hadn't fallen, as it was designed to do, it would have crushed me completely.
The ambulance and fire department workers worked fervently to get me out of the car. They ended up cutting the entire drivers side of the car off. They tried using the jaws of life, nothing, they tried taking out the windshield, the drivers side windshield, the sun roof, even the door. Nothing. I was trapped by the seat belt and that's all that was holding me together. I woke up a few days later and had major internal and external trauma.
But I survived! So, I tried to continue as if nothing had happened. I went back to school, I lost my business, I couldn't run it from a wheel chair and I couldn't walk and I couldn't make decisions....not much hope and I still had no family and I was still alone.
Yes, people were there... nobody left me there to die. But that isn't the point. I remember asking my kids "Am I dead?" They replied, "No." and then I said "Then why are you here?" I hadn't seen them since the divorce and so I thought I must have died and was seeing them in heaven. They assured me that I was not in heaven. So I tried to think of another reason that they were there. So I asked, "Am I still divorced from your dad?" "Yes." "Then why are you here?"
I think it dawned on me eventually. They were there because I might not survive (again), I may never walk or be able to take care of myself...I might actually be alone. My son was in College and I remember my daughter saying "I guess he'll have to quit school and take care of you." I said, 'NO he won't" This was not his life, this was not his journey and I was not going to be the reason he didn't fulfill his hearts desires. Nope, not having that.
So, my journey continued. I eventually got out of that bed, I eventually went home (after I could walk up steps), I went back to school and waited for something to make me matter. But after the Music Degree I still didn't find "My purpose." It seemed that my talents were "out of style" for this generation. Went to an audition and this is what I was told.. "WOW!" "Not what we're looking for." I had to laugh, but I felt absolutely irrelevant.
"What was it all for?" How could a God that loved let this happen? I'm a pretty rational person ( no comment from the balcony). So, if the degree didn't add value to my existence I decided to give my time to anyone and everyone that needed it.
I moved closer to another section of my family and I worked very hard to matter. It didn't work. I worked for charities and felt alive when I was giving. It mattered.....I mattered... or did I?
These are hard questions. So, I came up with another idea. I'll use my education and I'll get a high paying job and regain every financial loss and I'll show my children that they can overcome anything. "Will that work?"
So, I got a job that I thought could lend me a career. Yes, that has to be it, I've never had a career. I've always done whatever needed to be done because that's what I was supposed to do. I got married very young and I thought everyone else was in charge of me. So, I literally left my fathers house to go to my husbands house. We started our family and "Tada!" this must be "it!"
Then his job fell apart and we had to move...back in with my family of origin. I could go on, but there's no point.
So, I worked at a job for 90 days. They were some of the longest days of my life. The job was a challenge, until it wasn't. My hours were strange and I was isolated and alone (again). "What???" I was so miserable that I literally shook (physically). My nerves were shot and I was, once again, surviving. Or was I?
Where was my miracle? Where was my provision? Where and what was my purpose? I was angry and I was severely depressed. I started learning about Grace and that God was not "Doing all of this to me." I started writing this blog. I thought "this must be my destiny!" But then people got mad because I was "painfully" honest.
You want to know what's really funny...maybe not to you. but to me. I took the job because I wasn't supposed to live this long. Ha! Really, I was sixteen years, a car wreck and divorce past my expiration date. I might outlive the funds I had set aside for survival. Then what? I couldn't go live with my children, they had their own lives, the rest of my family had lives too. So, I kept the job until I just couldn't any longer.
You see fear does something horrible....it steals hope and I didn't have any to give it. I was lost and alone one more time only this time I was getting paid to be miserable and alone. Wow!
Things kept changing at work. I'd get my rhythm , my balance, and things would change. I donated hours to charities, I worked on my hats and I kept so busy that I ....fell apart.
WHY? "What did I do to deserve this?" You know what....the answer is....nothing. The world just sucks sometimes. So, in order to save my sanity I quit my job and I could breathe again. I went for walks, I spent time with my dog, I drove to a lake, I talked to my grandchildren, I donated to a charity, I started working for another charity....but I was still alone. I was still sad and I was still broken. But hey! "I survived".
So, tonight while I was making something to help a charity I started thinking about all of you. "What would you do if you had survived and were looking for meaning?" "What would you do if you had time?" Would you help someone in need? Would you help people who couldn't help themselves?
But see, I'd done that my entire life....what difference did it make? Are people better off because I'm still here? Is anyone's life fuller because I survived? Are my children braver because I've been through hell and I've been an example of what "bravery" should look like? I really don't know.
I was hoping to have come up with a brilliant deduction about life by the time I finished this blog, but unfortunately I'm still me, I'm still here and I'm still trying to matter. Will it get any better than this? I certainly hope so. I hope I will find true love (yes, I have a Cinderella complex), I hope that I will find people that accept me just as I am. I hope that I will feel fulfilled and full of purpose. God knows I've put enough effort into all of those things.
So, I'll keep making hats and now jewelry, I'll keep making YouTube videos, I'll keep blogging and I'll keep volunteering, But you know what? It isn't because that's what makes me matter....It's because that's who I am.
There it is. Purpose....knowing who you are...makes everything you do matter. I'm not trying to earn anything. I'm not trying to impress anyone. My children don't need me to "survive" one more horrific event to matter. I don't have to be "thin" or beautiful or noticed or...anything.
Fulfillment is not found in doing...there are no "tada" moments. They all turn into just another day.
Listen to me. If you get nothing else out of this....if my life means nothing more than this....let it speak for itself. Let your life speak for itself. Fill up your space with you!
Do the things you'd do if you were dying, then live. You decide what matters. You decide what you do while you're still here. Does God guide you? Yes. Is He in charge? This may surprise you....it's going to mess with your mind....but the answer is "No."
He gave us a will, he gave us a body, he gave us minds and he gave us choices. He's not waiting for a "tada" moment for you to prove your worth. For heaven's sake...just be. Take a walk, laugh with your children and do something for someone else, not because it's your purpose, but because it's your life and it's how you want to live it.
I can't do what makes me miserable any more. Not for one more day. I can't, I won't. So, if I outlive my money....I guess I'll die poor. I've lived poor before. Having a career doesn't mean I have friends, or loved ones or m a t t e r any more.
What if God just wants me to live at peace? What if peace is my greatest testimony and the best gift I can give to you, to my children, to my grandchildren, to strangers.is...peace. Not because I've proven myself worthy. No, because I understand that I don't owe anyone anything to merit survival. There is the struggle. Who do I feel like I need to repay to live on this planet?
The struggle is real, the options are not always pleasant, I live with the "what should have or could have beens" every day of my life. But the best part is...I live every day of my life? Make a difference by owning you. Make a difference by being true to yourself. Be honest, be encouraging, not because you owe anyone, but because you can and that's just who you are.
You see, God didn't think I was special and save me from Cancer. He didn't give me extra permission to live by saving me from a car accident. If that was who he was, then he isn't fair or just and why in the world am I still here and some other people that are much more wonderful than I.....gone?
So, I'll live. I'll fill up the space around me with peace, with love, I'll live on purpose....that will be my purpose. Could it possibly be that simple? Continue on this journey with me and we'll find out together. When is enough, enough? Who do I pay to deserve to live on this earth? Who do I owe my survival to? When will it matter?
I owe no one. I choose....to love....to live...that's what matters... I choose... "Live like you were dying"...hmmm. That's a song, but it makes a lot of sense. Why am I still here? To breathe. What difference do I make? Well, I'm true to God and I'm true to myself. I"m "painfully" honest and I"ll keep giving. not because I owe someone, but because that's who I am. I guess that's enough...be...
I hope you will live every day as if it matters, not to anyone in particular but just because...it matters. You matter. Live a full life...why? Because you're still here....
So, here's what happened next. I was trying to stay afloat in every way imaginable. I was working my business and trying to go on with what was left of my life. I was absolutely alone.
One day, I was driving down a road (and you may have read this before) and my car threw me into a house going 55 mph. Knocked the house off of its foundation and my car was a tin can. The engine dropped and I'm sure that had a lot to do with my survival. If it hadn't fallen, as it was designed to do, it would have crushed me completely.
The ambulance and fire department workers worked fervently to get me out of the car. They ended up cutting the entire drivers side of the car off. They tried using the jaws of life, nothing, they tried taking out the windshield, the drivers side windshield, the sun roof, even the door. Nothing. I was trapped by the seat belt and that's all that was holding me together. I woke up a few days later and had major internal and external trauma.
But I survived! So, I tried to continue as if nothing had happened. I went back to school, I lost my business, I couldn't run it from a wheel chair and I couldn't walk and I couldn't make decisions....not much hope and I still had no family and I was still alone.
Yes, people were there... nobody left me there to die. But that isn't the point. I remember asking my kids "Am I dead?" They replied, "No." and then I said "Then why are you here?" I hadn't seen them since the divorce and so I thought I must have died and was seeing them in heaven. They assured me that I was not in heaven. So I tried to think of another reason that they were there. So I asked, "Am I still divorced from your dad?" "Yes." "Then why are you here?"
I think it dawned on me eventually. They were there because I might not survive (again), I may never walk or be able to take care of myself...I might actually be alone. My son was in College and I remember my daughter saying "I guess he'll have to quit school and take care of you." I said, 'NO he won't" This was not his life, this was not his journey and I was not going to be the reason he didn't fulfill his hearts desires. Nope, not having that.
So, my journey continued. I eventually got out of that bed, I eventually went home (after I could walk up steps), I went back to school and waited for something to make me matter. But after the Music Degree I still didn't find "My purpose." It seemed that my talents were "out of style" for this generation. Went to an audition and this is what I was told.. "WOW!" "Not what we're looking for." I had to laugh, but I felt absolutely irrelevant.
"What was it all for?" How could a God that loved let this happen? I'm a pretty rational person ( no comment from the balcony). So, if the degree didn't add value to my existence I decided to give my time to anyone and everyone that needed it.
I moved closer to another section of my family and I worked very hard to matter. It didn't work. I worked for charities and felt alive when I was giving. It mattered.....I mattered... or did I?
These are hard questions. So, I came up with another idea. I'll use my education and I'll get a high paying job and regain every financial loss and I'll show my children that they can overcome anything. "Will that work?"
So, I got a job that I thought could lend me a career. Yes, that has to be it, I've never had a career. I've always done whatever needed to be done because that's what I was supposed to do. I got married very young and I thought everyone else was in charge of me. So, I literally left my fathers house to go to my husbands house. We started our family and "Tada!" this must be "it!"
Then his job fell apart and we had to move...back in with my family of origin. I could go on, but there's no point.
So, I worked at a job for 90 days. They were some of the longest days of my life. The job was a challenge, until it wasn't. My hours were strange and I was isolated and alone (again). "What???" I was so miserable that I literally shook (physically). My nerves were shot and I was, once again, surviving. Or was I?
Where was my miracle? Where was my provision? Where and what was my purpose? I was angry and I was severely depressed. I started learning about Grace and that God was not "Doing all of this to me." I started writing this blog. I thought "this must be my destiny!" But then people got mad because I was "painfully" honest.
You want to know what's really funny...maybe not to you. but to me. I took the job because I wasn't supposed to live this long. Ha! Really, I was sixteen years, a car wreck and divorce past my expiration date. I might outlive the funds I had set aside for survival. Then what? I couldn't go live with my children, they had their own lives, the rest of my family had lives too. So, I kept the job until I just couldn't any longer.
You see fear does something horrible....it steals hope and I didn't have any to give it. I was lost and alone one more time only this time I was getting paid to be miserable and alone. Wow!
Things kept changing at work. I'd get my rhythm , my balance, and things would change. I donated hours to charities, I worked on my hats and I kept so busy that I ....fell apart.
WHY? "What did I do to deserve this?" You know what....the answer is....nothing. The world just sucks sometimes. So, in order to save my sanity I quit my job and I could breathe again. I went for walks, I spent time with my dog, I drove to a lake, I talked to my grandchildren, I donated to a charity, I started working for another charity....but I was still alone. I was still sad and I was still broken. But hey! "I survived".
So, tonight while I was making something to help a charity I started thinking about all of you. "What would you do if you had survived and were looking for meaning?" "What would you do if you had time?" Would you help someone in need? Would you help people who couldn't help themselves?
But see, I'd done that my entire life....what difference did it make? Are people better off because I'm still here? Is anyone's life fuller because I survived? Are my children braver because I've been through hell and I've been an example of what "bravery" should look like? I really don't know.
I was hoping to have come up with a brilliant deduction about life by the time I finished this blog, but unfortunately I'm still me, I'm still here and I'm still trying to matter. Will it get any better than this? I certainly hope so. I hope I will find true love (yes, I have a Cinderella complex), I hope that I will find people that accept me just as I am. I hope that I will feel fulfilled and full of purpose. God knows I've put enough effort into all of those things.
So, I'll keep making hats and now jewelry, I'll keep making YouTube videos, I'll keep blogging and I'll keep volunteering, But you know what? It isn't because that's what makes me matter....It's because that's who I am.
There it is. Purpose....knowing who you are...makes everything you do matter. I'm not trying to earn anything. I'm not trying to impress anyone. My children don't need me to "survive" one more horrific event to matter. I don't have to be "thin" or beautiful or noticed or...anything.
Fulfillment is not found in doing...there are no "tada" moments. They all turn into just another day.
Listen to me. If you get nothing else out of this....if my life means nothing more than this....let it speak for itself. Let your life speak for itself. Fill up your space with you!
Do the things you'd do if you were dying, then live. You decide what matters. You decide what you do while you're still here. Does God guide you? Yes. Is He in charge? This may surprise you....it's going to mess with your mind....but the answer is "No."
He gave us a will, he gave us a body, he gave us minds and he gave us choices. He's not waiting for a "tada" moment for you to prove your worth. For heaven's sake...just be. Take a walk, laugh with your children and do something for someone else, not because it's your purpose, but because it's your life and it's how you want to live it.
I can't do what makes me miserable any more. Not for one more day. I can't, I won't. So, if I outlive my money....I guess I'll die poor. I've lived poor before. Having a career doesn't mean I have friends, or loved ones or m a t t e r any more.
What if God just wants me to live at peace? What if peace is my greatest testimony and the best gift I can give to you, to my children, to my grandchildren, to strangers.is...peace. Not because I've proven myself worthy. No, because I understand that I don't owe anyone anything to merit survival. There is the struggle. Who do I feel like I need to repay to live on this planet?
The struggle is real, the options are not always pleasant, I live with the "what should have or could have beens" every day of my life. But the best part is...I live every day of my life? Make a difference by owning you. Make a difference by being true to yourself. Be honest, be encouraging, not because you owe anyone, but because you can and that's just who you are.
You see, God didn't think I was special and save me from Cancer. He didn't give me extra permission to live by saving me from a car accident. If that was who he was, then he isn't fair or just and why in the world am I still here and some other people that are much more wonderful than I.....gone?
So, I'll live. I'll fill up the space around me with peace, with love, I'll live on purpose....that will be my purpose. Could it possibly be that simple? Continue on this journey with me and we'll find out together. When is enough, enough? Who do I pay to deserve to live on this earth? Who do I owe my survival to? When will it matter?
I owe no one. I choose....to love....to live...that's what matters... I choose... "Live like you were dying"...hmmm. That's a song, but it makes a lot of sense. Why am I still here? To breathe. What difference do I make? Well, I'm true to God and I'm true to myself. I"m "painfully" honest and I"ll keep giving. not because I owe someone, but because that's who I am. I guess that's enough...be...
I hope you will live every day as if it matters, not to anyone in particular but just because...it matters. You matter. Live a full life...why? Because you're still here....
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