PTSD

We’ve talked about making yourself “worth “ it to others. It’s important that you stand up for yourself or how will your children know how to stand up for themselves?

Abuse victims have learned that they can not stand up for themselves. Once I was asked “Why didn’t you slap him?” I couldn’t . I literary was frozen in time. I couldn't scream, I couldn’t fight back, I had learned to be helpless. This type of learned helplessness combined with PTSD is a living nightmare.

Not only are you reliving your worst experience you are helpless to do anything about it. I remember after the car accident. I had recurring dreams that I was driving a car that I could not stop. Every time, the brakes went out. Every time I pushed them as hard as I could and every time I failed.

PTSD is torment. It wakes you up, it keeps you awake, it torments you and it can even get mixed in with the foundation of your very being. I’ve talked about this before in my blog “PTSD and the Egyptians.” I recommend that you read it if you’ve struggled or struggle with or know someone that struggles with PTSD.

Understanding PTSD explains a lot of behavior. “Why does my ....  get so upset at the simplest things?” Insert name. What you might not know is that one simple thing is related to a very intense moment.

I was listening to a lecture on PTSD. The person described a situation where her husband got stuck and nobody knew why. This family was at an amusement park and everybody decided to get on a boat ride. The boat swings from front to back and nearly goes upside down. It’s a thrill if you like swinging in a ship.....screaming,... with lots of strangers.  Sounds like fun.. right?

Well, innocently this man got on this ride and as it was swinging back and forth  he got very upset. He actually got physically ill as soon as he could get off the ride. Well, the family didn’t think much of it until later when he recounted being on a helicopter taking enemy fire in the military. The helicopter had swung from side to side and was blown out of the sky. The only reason he survived was because he fell out of the helicopter.

You see, when that boat was swinging back and forth, the man was no longer on an amusement park ride....he was in a helicopter that exploded and men died around him.

So, how do you help someone with this horrid illness? I’m going to be bold and  call it an illness. It certainly isn’t a choice. Even though it’s not contagious, it is detrimental to the health of all involved. Families have been torn apart by this terrible disease. The common denominator is stress that is beyond human capacity to handle.

I know that the Bible says that God won’t allow more than we can handle, but I do not believe he’s saying that life will be good and everything will always work out. I think he’s saying that he’s there to help in time of need.  People in crisis are people in need. What do they need? How can a you help?

Well, in the instance of the amusement park, the family learned a valuable lesson. This man had been through hell. He hadn’t been able to talk about it, but then he relived it and it came out in the open. You can often help what you understand, you can not help if you don’t.  So, do you just give in and never go to amusement parks? Do you live on the edge of disaster because you never know what is going to bring on the next “Recall”. PTSD is basically a recalling of an extreme event, usually related to a smaller event that the brain can handle.

Let’s continue with the man at the amusement park. His brain could not process the horrific event that took place in the helicopter. His brain saved that experience for a time when it was safe to remember it. The brain knew that the body was not in eminent danger on a ride so it brought up the horrific situation in a way that the brain could handle the information.

People often ask why children that are abused do not remember the abuse until later in life. The explainantion is both simple and complicated. When you are a child you are defensenles. You can not help yourself. That’s  why some children become adults and suddenly remember horrific events It’s also why some people remember situations and believe they were at fault.

Listen to me....abuse victims are NEVER at fault. If they could have protected themselves they would have. If I could have stood up to my abuser and slapped him or even yelled or screamed the abuse would have either stopped or it would have been exposed. But was it my fault that I didn’t speak up? No, I was a defenseless child who grew into a defenseless adult.

Why am I better? How am I better? Well, all the empowerment I’ve been telling you about has changed my life. Getting to know myself has sets me free from the lie that I was responsible for the abuse and for everyone else’s problems. VICTIMIZATION.

I have a power now that I did not have before. I have the power of “NO!” For a victim the power of NO is like finding gold. It’s priceless. Once that person gives themselves permission to say “No! they will not tolerate that behavior from anyone!” “When a person can determine that someone else’s behavior is not  acceptable.” Everything changes.

The helplessness stops. The tolerating the unthinkable stops. The nightmares stop. The fear stops. Some therapists will have their patients go back into those situations in their mind and do what they could not do for themselves at the time.

One traumatic event for me happened in a dentist office. I was about five years old. I don’t know all of the details, but I know that my mother was in the other room and the dentist would not let my mother enter the room with me. I remember trying to scream and him putting his hand over my mouth. I would have glimpses of that memory, but I reallly didn’t understand it. Finally my brain was developed enough to remember the situtiaon. I went back to the situation, with the help of a therapist and I yelled  and kicked and fought. not physically or in any goofy way, but in my mind.

That was one of the first nights that I dreamt that I was no longer helpless. I dreamt about fighting back and everything changed.

Lately I’ve experienced the power of NO. I’ve had some situations that have been completely unaccceptable. But I felt powerlesss. Until I didn’t anymore. I decided that the situation was unacceptable and that I was willing to risk losing what I had in order to gain peace of mind.

Do you know what happened? I found out that there were others that felt the situation was unbearable but instead of standing up and saying , “NO” they quit trying.

I am done with accepting things that are just downright harmful to myself and others. So, I sweated and I cried and I got anxious and I shook and I stoood up for myself and guess what? Peace rained. A battle was won and not only did I save myself, I saved others as well.

I’m stil working on the battle of No, but I have a great understanding of the power that saying “No” has . If I didn’t value myself I would never have stood up for myself. I would have lived as a victim and just accepted things the way they were.

You have a choice. Parents, please....if your child is uncomfortable around someone....pay attention. If your spouse or friend has been through hell and something brings that memory  back, understand that now is their “safe” time to deal with the situation. Give them space and support and most of all listen.

You are not alone! Don’t live like you are.

Until next time...