To accept blame or not to accept blame?
At one point in my life I felt that I had little to no value. I did exactly as I was expected to do in every situation. I tried to do what was fair and just even to my own detriment. I thought that if I was the one who got hurt I could handle it. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was being “brave”! Or was I? Victims of abuse want to believe they are the only victims. We would never want anyone to experience the hell we have. But that’s the problem. Because we are convinced that it’s all about us we don’t confront the abuser. We learn to “take it” predators tell victims that they are irrational, that they are misunderstanding the motives of the abuser. My favorite line when confronting an abuser is “How could you think that of me?” Because it’s true. If it quacks like a duck, pretty confidant it’s a duck. No more cover ups. Mothers. If your child feels “uneasy “ Or tells you that someone is “ creepy” about someone do NOT disregard that. Do not make it a spiritual issue. Something is wrong!
You see I was having physical, emotion and soul issues. I was tormented because of my choices to accept blame even if I was not to blame. I thought I was the only one who was suffering. Other people were comfortable with their dysfunction, or were they! This type of thinking has taken its toll on my soul. And for what?
Did those sacrifices make me more lovable? Did my suffering add value to my life or the lives of others? Was it free? Sadly, or maybe not sadly, no.
These thought processes were backward. I was waiting for someone to place a value on me; my friendship, my ability to be a mother , my talent as a musician and writer and even my ability to be a good wife.
The problem was that when all of these “titles “ were challenged I thought someone would stand up for me. . I expected people and people to know me. To know “better than that” when it came to choosing me over a convenient escape.. I truly believed that I could “take it”! I was the stronger person!” Or was I?
People found it easy to forsake me, easy to allow me to take the blame and some unfortunate souls enjoyed my misery. Yes there are people in this life that are perfectly happy in ignorance. It costs them nothing.
I thought “Long suffering “ was a valuable trait. I was strong, I was independent. I was okay. Or was I?
The same oppostinities would present themselves over and over again and the result was the same; “covered for them” This was to be expected. It hurt but it only hurt me and I was strong enough to handle it, until I wasn’t.
All of this anxiety turned into illness. It manifested itself in heart problems,insomnia ,depression and even lack of luster for life.
I believed, I accepted and I was convinced that I was the problem, I would torture myself tgrough disfunction . I was sick in some form of another my entire life. It was easier. It only hurt “me”. Or did it?
Did it help anyone for me to be a victim? Did I set a good example for my children to know their value and not let anyone back them down? Did I impart strength and character in them? Did I have relationships that were stable? If people had to choose, which they often did, between my value and their comfort they chose their comfort which left me hurt and surprised. It’s sad isn’t it?
I honestly didn’t know what it felt like to want to live. I didn’t understand happiness. I thought those were things that belonged to better people than me. To tell you the truth, even though I was suffering it just didn’t matter. My suffering benefited others. They didn’t have to take responsibility, they didn’t need to worry or suffer. You know what else they didn’t do? They didn’t get better.
I’ve had new opportunities to evaluate this process. I have to tell you it’s risky and frightening beyond my wildest imagination. I have to risk being right. I have to test my value, I have to risk rejection. It is terrifying.
I thought it was easier to just accept being wrong. I thought it was heroic! But, It was sorrow, it was pain and myvsuffering was in vain. I was not taking my place in this life and life itself was suffering because I want engaged in it.
Things are changing. Im standing my ground, I’m beginning to believe in myself, I am challenging the life long thinking that ,” everything was my fault.” Im taking responsibility for my own life.
It is the greatest challenge and will be the most rewarding experience of my life.. Some people have abandoned me, my value in their eyes diminished.
But Ive started sleeping. I started eating, I gave my soul permission to exist. I have only one soul , given to me by God. Given to me! This body, this mind, these emotions were given to me by God. I’m accountable to Him. Jesus is the only approved sacrifice. He doesn’t need an assistant sufferer. He needed ( needs) me to be . .
The risk; rejection. The consequences of conformity:: sicknes and sorrow. Jesus took on those consequences. He carried our sickness and our sorrow. What have I been doing?
Come back tomorrow for part two of “Let’s talk.”
You see I was having physical, emotion and soul issues. I was tormented because of my choices to accept blame even if I was not to blame. I thought I was the only one who was suffering. Other people were comfortable with their dysfunction, or were they! This type of thinking has taken its toll on my soul. And for what?
Did those sacrifices make me more lovable? Did my suffering add value to my life or the lives of others? Was it free? Sadly, or maybe not sadly, no.
These thought processes were backward. I was waiting for someone to place a value on me; my friendship, my ability to be a mother , my talent as a musician and writer and even my ability to be a good wife.
The problem was that when all of these “titles “ were challenged I thought someone would stand up for me. . I expected people and people to know me. To know “better than that” when it came to choosing me over a convenient escape.. I truly believed that I could “take it”! I was the stronger person!” Or was I?
People found it easy to forsake me, easy to allow me to take the blame and some unfortunate souls enjoyed my misery. Yes there are people in this life that are perfectly happy in ignorance. It costs them nothing.
I thought “Long suffering “ was a valuable trait. I was strong, I was independent. I was okay. Or was I?
The same oppostinities would present themselves over and over again and the result was the same; “covered for them” This was to be expected. It hurt but it only hurt me and I was strong enough to handle it, until I wasn’t.
All of this anxiety turned into illness. It manifested itself in heart problems,insomnia ,depression and even lack of luster for life.
I believed, I accepted and I was convinced that I was the problem, I would torture myself tgrough disfunction . I was sick in some form of another my entire life. It was easier. It only hurt “me”. Or did it?
Did it help anyone for me to be a victim? Did I set a good example for my children to know their value and not let anyone back them down? Did I impart strength and character in them? Did I have relationships that were stable? If people had to choose, which they often did, between my value and their comfort they chose their comfort which left me hurt and surprised. It’s sad isn’t it?
I honestly didn’t know what it felt like to want to live. I didn’t understand happiness. I thought those were things that belonged to better people than me. To tell you the truth, even though I was suffering it just didn’t matter. My suffering benefited others. They didn’t have to take responsibility, they didn’t need to worry or suffer. You know what else they didn’t do? They didn’t get better.
I’ve had new opportunities to evaluate this process. I have to tell you it’s risky and frightening beyond my wildest imagination. I have to risk being right. I have to test my value, I have to risk rejection. It is terrifying.
I thought it was easier to just accept being wrong. I thought it was heroic! But, It was sorrow, it was pain and myvsuffering was in vain. I was not taking my place in this life and life itself was suffering because I want engaged in it.
Things are changing. Im standing my ground, I’m beginning to believe in myself, I am challenging the life long thinking that ,” everything was my fault.” Im taking responsibility for my own life.
It is the greatest challenge and will be the most rewarding experience of my life.. Some people have abandoned me, my value in their eyes diminished.
But Ive started sleeping. I started eating, I gave my soul permission to exist. I have only one soul , given to me by God. Given to me! This body, this mind, these emotions were given to me by God. I’m accountable to Him. Jesus is the only approved sacrifice. He doesn’t need an assistant sufferer. He needed ( needs) me to be . .
The risk; rejection. The consequences of conformity:: sicknes and sorrow. Jesus took on those consequences. He carried our sickness and our sorrow. What have I been doing?
Come back tomorrow for part two of “Let’s talk.”
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