Wait, that wasn't my story?
I've gone through so many changes in my life and I think I thought my story had already been written. But how many of you know there has to be an ending to have a good story?
I thought my story was about survival! Yes... I'm still here! Amazing! But it isn't over.
I thought my story was about cancer. I'm still here. Amazing! But it isn't over.
I thought a car wreck would be the end, but I'm still here, yet again.
I saw a marriage fall apart, its death tore my heart apart, but I'm still here.
Tonight I was at an outdoor concert enjoying worship by Iron Horse Soldiers band and music by Nicole Nordeman;. it was amazing. Nicole was talking about her life. It seems that she's had more than one as well. She was the super famous musician and artist, writer, mother and then her world stopped. It was her alone with her two children on a stormy night and I could feel her pain.
As she tells it, she had been trying to keep her life together , but one night as she walked with her children a storm hit. (That happens a lot here in Oklahoma). She wasn't ready, the sky fell open and she didn't even have an umbrella. She said it was the moment when she broke. She said that her son turned around and threw his hands in the air and in the way only a child can say, said, "I surrender."
I have been in the land of "I surrender". Everything I've ever known, every comfort zone I thought I had, gone...obliterated. Nothing is as it seemed. At first I had a lot of grief. I realize now that when the familiar dissipates it leaves room for the unusual. That was not comfortable! I didn't understand it! Who was I without all that I understood?
I've told "my story" many times, but I always felt like something was missing. People would comment on how good "God" is and how that its a miracle that I'm still here...as stated above. But still. I wanted to know "What was it all for?"
Was it a test of wills? Did God get glory every time I survived another tragedy? If he did, what did that glory look like? I didn't feel like I was a glory to God. I felt like I was a dead animal in the middle of the road that had risen from the dead too many times.
My hashtag for life would have been #REALLY? Like when I woke from a coma. My thoughts were, "OK life is going to be wonderful from now on." Nope. It was a long road to recovery. Then the car accident. I awoke one more time, this time from surgery and my thoughts were "Okay, life is going to be good!" Nope!
I finished my education through years of difficulties and hardships. I graduated, I didn't die!!! Okay, so now life is going to get good!!!! Nope.
I really started to think that life was never going to be good. I thought life was all about struggles and will power and survival, By the way I hate that show "Survivor" I mean... really? Anyway.
I've experienced a great deal of drama with parents that were pastors, then marrying into the "family business" of pastoring. I've seen some really horrible things happen and some people I thought were wonderful turn on a dime. I was confused.
One Pastor posed a remarkable question, which I think I may finally understand. I thought he was asking about God. When he said, "Why do you keep doing this?" (church disappointment land) To which I responded, "It's all I know." In my heart I was saying that serving God was all I knew, but that wasn't what he was asking and now I understand.
I was equating my relationship with God with my relationship with the church. Oh don't go getting "spiritual" on me. We are the church, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I couldn't separate me from the church. There was no me. There was only a world full of hurting people and me the hostage negotiator.
My duty in this world was to withstand all hell with a smile so that God could get the glory. I wanted to say "SO TAKE THE GLORY ALREADY! I'm tired!" I was living in a prison and I didn't even know it.
I was surrounded with the familiar. I was surrounded with failures, but I understood them. They were too be expected. Then something wonderful started happening. God started writing my story. Yes, I almost feel like its just beginning.
I'm in unfamiliar territory. Things that would have devastated me in the past now just seem to be bumps in the road. Do you think God is finally getting the glory? I couldn't understand that a new life, a new attitude and freedom would be the beginning of my story.
You see, this is no longer cancer's story, this is no longer a story of survival, this is no longer a story about divorce, it's no longer a test of wills....it's a life. My life. And I like it.
For the first time, ever. I am comfortable in my own skin. I understand and appreciate the FACT that I am not perfect. I appreciate and understand that I will NEVER understand. Not this side of heaven. Guess what? It's okay!
I don't have to know what's going to happen tomorrow. I am NOT the missing link between God and man. I'm a single woman named Barjeana who loves to write, enjoys the company of horses and tells a few stories. I'm a woman that loves music and hopes that others enjoy reading that her writing or listening to her music. But even then, it doesn't matter. I used to think, "If I survive and my story gets one more person in Heaven, then I'll die a success." How sad.
Now I wonder if I might write something, or smile at someone or tell a story from my point of view and someone might just feel a little lighter? I wonder if they will attribute that sense of freedom to a God who has set me free? I wonder if they'll want to join me in this journey/ I wonder if God will really get the glory? You see...you are his glory.
He's waiting on you. He can't get his glory until you "Surrender" your life to him. So, this life is not a struggle or a power of wills...it's a journey. I am not an example of how great God is because I've survived hell. No, that isn't really even part of my story. It hasn't been written yet.
A little more story unfolds each and every day. Life without the struggle is the victory. I didn't say, life without problems. No, life without the struggle. He is the only peace I will ever have and he is the answer to every question that will ever be posed to me. Will you join me and be the Glory he gets from my time on this earth? Oh, how I hope so.
I thought my story was about survival! Yes... I'm still here! Amazing! But it isn't over.
I thought my story was about cancer. I'm still here. Amazing! But it isn't over.
I thought a car wreck would be the end, but I'm still here, yet again.
I saw a marriage fall apart, its death tore my heart apart, but I'm still here.
Tonight I was at an outdoor concert enjoying worship by Iron Horse Soldiers band and music by Nicole Nordeman;. it was amazing. Nicole was talking about her life. It seems that she's had more than one as well. She was the super famous musician and artist, writer, mother and then her world stopped. It was her alone with her two children on a stormy night and I could feel her pain.
As she tells it, she had been trying to keep her life together , but one night as she walked with her children a storm hit. (That happens a lot here in Oklahoma). She wasn't ready, the sky fell open and she didn't even have an umbrella. She said it was the moment when she broke. She said that her son turned around and threw his hands in the air and in the way only a child can say, said, "I surrender."
I have been in the land of "I surrender". Everything I've ever known, every comfort zone I thought I had, gone...obliterated. Nothing is as it seemed. At first I had a lot of grief. I realize now that when the familiar dissipates it leaves room for the unusual. That was not comfortable! I didn't understand it! Who was I without all that I understood?
I've told "my story" many times, but I always felt like something was missing. People would comment on how good "God" is and how that its a miracle that I'm still here...as stated above. But still. I wanted to know "What was it all for?"
Was it a test of wills? Did God get glory every time I survived another tragedy? If he did, what did that glory look like? I didn't feel like I was a glory to God. I felt like I was a dead animal in the middle of the road that had risen from the dead too many times.
My hashtag for life would have been #REALLY? Like when I woke from a coma. My thoughts were, "OK life is going to be wonderful from now on." Nope. It was a long road to recovery. Then the car accident. I awoke one more time, this time from surgery and my thoughts were "Okay, life is going to be good!" Nope!
I finished my education through years of difficulties and hardships. I graduated, I didn't die!!! Okay, so now life is going to get good!!!! Nope.
I really started to think that life was never going to be good. I thought life was all about struggles and will power and survival, By the way I hate that show "Survivor" I mean... really? Anyway.
I've experienced a great deal of drama with parents that were pastors, then marrying into the "family business" of pastoring. I've seen some really horrible things happen and some people I thought were wonderful turn on a dime. I was confused.
One Pastor posed a remarkable question, which I think I may finally understand. I thought he was asking about God. When he said, "Why do you keep doing this?" (church disappointment land) To which I responded, "It's all I know." In my heart I was saying that serving God was all I knew, but that wasn't what he was asking and now I understand.
I was equating my relationship with God with my relationship with the church. Oh don't go getting "spiritual" on me. We are the church, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I couldn't separate me from the church. There was no me. There was only a world full of hurting people and me the hostage negotiator.
My duty in this world was to withstand all hell with a smile so that God could get the glory. I wanted to say "SO TAKE THE GLORY ALREADY! I'm tired!" I was living in a prison and I didn't even know it.
I was surrounded with the familiar. I was surrounded with failures, but I understood them. They were too be expected. Then something wonderful started happening. God started writing my story. Yes, I almost feel like its just beginning.
I'm in unfamiliar territory. Things that would have devastated me in the past now just seem to be bumps in the road. Do you think God is finally getting the glory? I couldn't understand that a new life, a new attitude and freedom would be the beginning of my story.
You see, this is no longer cancer's story, this is no longer a story of survival, this is no longer a story about divorce, it's no longer a test of wills....it's a life. My life. And I like it.
For the first time, ever. I am comfortable in my own skin. I understand and appreciate the FACT that I am not perfect. I appreciate and understand that I will NEVER understand. Not this side of heaven. Guess what? It's okay!
I don't have to know what's going to happen tomorrow. I am NOT the missing link between God and man. I'm a single woman named Barjeana who loves to write, enjoys the company of horses and tells a few stories. I'm a woman that loves music and hopes that others enjoy reading that her writing or listening to her music. But even then, it doesn't matter. I used to think, "If I survive and my story gets one more person in Heaven, then I'll die a success." How sad.
Now I wonder if I might write something, or smile at someone or tell a story from my point of view and someone might just feel a little lighter? I wonder if they will attribute that sense of freedom to a God who has set me free? I wonder if they'll want to join me in this journey/ I wonder if God will really get the glory? You see...you are his glory.
He's waiting on you. He can't get his glory until you "Surrender" your life to him. So, this life is not a struggle or a power of wills...it's a journey. I am not an example of how great God is because I've survived hell. No, that isn't really even part of my story. It hasn't been written yet.
A little more story unfolds each and every day. Life without the struggle is the victory. I didn't say, life without problems. No, life without the struggle. He is the only peace I will ever have and he is the answer to every question that will ever be posed to me. Will you join me and be the Glory he gets from my time on this earth? Oh, how I hope so.
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