Trying of faith or test of will?
Survival: I just couldn’t see how God could get any glory by my survival alone. My definition of testimony was: survive and smile while doing it. It just wasn’t working. Everything felt pointless. I was insecure, uncertain that the God I believed in and the God I knew could possibly be the same.
I know that sounds strange, but if you believe something just because someone told you about, but evidence says differently...it leads to confusion. There is a song with lyrics that say, “I pray to a God I don’t believe in...” I think it’s called, “Hearts don’t break even.” Anyway, I’ve known God my entire life. I’ve used words like; faith, trust and hope... but something was missing. Some people say it was faith. Some say it’s doubt. Others say that a person isn’t really born again if they don’t know God.
Well, that can’t be true. I believed in God, I trusted him with my eternal soul, but with my life down here...not so much. I had little evidence to support what I wanted to believe. Like I wanted to believe that he was good. But bad things kept happening. I wanted to trust him, but I never knew what would happen next. What did love look like? Was it torture to prove something greater than yourself ruled your life? Was it ascent to the fact that what you’ve been told is true? Did believing what you were told amount to faith? Was what you were told truth?
If all of those things were true, why didn’t anything make sense? If the God I was told about owned “the cattle on a thousand hills”, if , “I asked him for bread and he would give it to me”? Why was I so miserable. I wasn’t experiencing comfort, peace, or joy and I certainly didn’t understand love. All I knew was suffering, misery, loneliness, declining health...it all felt like a test...a constant test. But now I know that can’t possibly be true.
Does God test your heart? Are we all faced with opportunities to fail? Yes, but you aren’t supposed to live in tests and trials. As I stated before, it isn’t will power or determination or stubbornness that God requires of you. Look in the Bible. The theme is the trying of your “faith,” not the test of your will. I loved God because I believed in him. But I was afraid of him. I was afraid that I’d displease him, I was afraid that he’d take things away from me. I was afraid that he would harm me and expect me to love him anyway.
As I stated earlier, I couldn’t separate me from church. Growing up in so many different denominations caused my belief in God to change constantly. In one church he was ,” the judge”... he was saving up to punish me. He was also unpredictable. He might strike me down or disturb my family and I was just supposed to, “ Take it” call it endurance. In another,’ his judgements were different. There were different rules and requirements in each denomination. Which one was right? Which version of God was true? How could I be certain? How could I know and how could I Trust? I trusted no one...including God. That’s a sad way to live, I wanted to believe that he loved me, but I perceived that love was cruel, harsh and unfair.
It’s hard to get to know someone when the version of them continually changes. I wanted to know him, but I had no consistent evidence to support what I wanted to believe. I guess I was just hoping.
But, “ hope deferred makes the heart sick.”wonder if it makes the body sick as well. Interesting thoughts.
So, mow I’m on a journey of reconciliation. I’m taking away all that I hoped God was and exchanging it with who God really is.
He is love. 1 Corinthians 13. He is generous. He loves beyond reason, he’s not as interested in our doing as he is in out being,. He knows my faults and failures, but he loves me anyway. He’s not spiteful, he isn’t waiting for me to make a mistake so he can punish me. He’s loving, he directs my soul from a place of peace. He corrects me, but he never punishes me. He gets no joy from my mistakes.
I wonder if my new found revelation of God, acceptance of myself and reconciling the God I believed with the God who is and owning my own soul have anything to do with empowering me to live a new Life? Freedom is its own reward....peace...joy...security...all side effects of letting God be God and me be me. A second chance to define Him through new eyes and the freedom to just be. Could it be that easy? I guess we’ll find out.
Enjoy your journey! You might as well. What have you got to lose?
I know that sounds strange, but if you believe something just because someone told you about, but evidence says differently...it leads to confusion. There is a song with lyrics that say, “I pray to a God I don’t believe in...” I think it’s called, “Hearts don’t break even.” Anyway, I’ve known God my entire life. I’ve used words like; faith, trust and hope... but something was missing. Some people say it was faith. Some say it’s doubt. Others say that a person isn’t really born again if they don’t know God.
Well, that can’t be true. I believed in God, I trusted him with my eternal soul, but with my life down here...not so much. I had little evidence to support what I wanted to believe. Like I wanted to believe that he was good. But bad things kept happening. I wanted to trust him, but I never knew what would happen next. What did love look like? Was it torture to prove something greater than yourself ruled your life? Was it ascent to the fact that what you’ve been told is true? Did believing what you were told amount to faith? Was what you were told truth?
If all of those things were true, why didn’t anything make sense? If the God I was told about owned “the cattle on a thousand hills”, if , “I asked him for bread and he would give it to me”? Why was I so miserable. I wasn’t experiencing comfort, peace, or joy and I certainly didn’t understand love. All I knew was suffering, misery, loneliness, declining health...it all felt like a test...a constant test. But now I know that can’t possibly be true.
Does God test your heart? Are we all faced with opportunities to fail? Yes, but you aren’t supposed to live in tests and trials. As I stated before, it isn’t will power or determination or stubbornness that God requires of you. Look in the Bible. The theme is the trying of your “faith,” not the test of your will. I loved God because I believed in him. But I was afraid of him. I was afraid that I’d displease him, I was afraid that he’d take things away from me. I was afraid that he would harm me and expect me to love him anyway.
As I stated earlier, I couldn’t separate me from church. Growing up in so many different denominations caused my belief in God to change constantly. In one church he was ,” the judge”... he was saving up to punish me. He was also unpredictable. He might strike me down or disturb my family and I was just supposed to, “ Take it” call it endurance. In another,’ his judgements were different. There were different rules and requirements in each denomination. Which one was right? Which version of God was true? How could I be certain? How could I know and how could I Trust? I trusted no one...including God. That’s a sad way to live, I wanted to believe that he loved me, but I perceived that love was cruel, harsh and unfair.
It’s hard to get to know someone when the version of them continually changes. I wanted to know him, but I had no consistent evidence to support what I wanted to believe. I guess I was just hoping.
But, “ hope deferred makes the heart sick.”wonder if it makes the body sick as well. Interesting thoughts.
So, mow I’m on a journey of reconciliation. I’m taking away all that I hoped God was and exchanging it with who God really is.
He is love. 1 Corinthians 13. He is generous. He loves beyond reason, he’s not as interested in our doing as he is in out being,. He knows my faults and failures, but he loves me anyway. He’s not spiteful, he isn’t waiting for me to make a mistake so he can punish me. He’s loving, he directs my soul from a place of peace. He corrects me, but he never punishes me. He gets no joy from my mistakes.
I wonder if my new found revelation of God, acceptance of myself and reconciling the God I believed with the God who is and owning my own soul have anything to do with empowering me to live a new Life? Freedom is its own reward....peace...joy...security...all side effects of letting God be God and me be me. A second chance to define Him through new eyes and the freedom to just be. Could it be that easy? I guess we’ll find out.
Enjoy your journey! You might as well. What have you got to lose?
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