What was my order number?

When I go into a restaurant and they ask me my name...I hesitate. See blog ,”but that is my first name.”  I was in a Chick Fil La one day and the lady asked my name and I said, “Jeff.” I thought it would be easier.. When she brought my order to the table she looked as confused as if I’d told her my real name. She questioned, “Jeff?” I paused and then I remembered that was me. We both got a good laugh out of it.

So, now if I give someone a different name I do my best to remember what that name is. Bet you don’t have that problem. ha!

I’ve been thinking about two kinds of people in the world. Well, two kinds of relationships you can have with people in the world. How does this connect with an order number? Give me a minute.

The first kind of relationship is that of an observer. This is when you don’t know someone very well or they are just an acquaintance. Sometimes people stay in the observer stage because it’s much safer.

The next stage is that of a participant. This is the person that you let into your life. You trust them with small secrets to test them out. Oh, come on, everybody does it. If you don’t then you should. For example, If I tell you that I have false teeth (which I don’t ....not that that’s a bad thing) and I ask you not to tell anyone. Then we’re with a group of people and you...tell someone. Guess what? I’m not going to be a participant in your life to the extent that I desire to be.

I hope you caught on to the part about “the extent that I desire to be.” I love people and I want to be everyone’s friend. I love being needed and I want a reciprocal relationship.  Not too much to ask? Or is it?

Once I take a step into the participation level I need to know what type of relationship this is.  What number am I in the level of importance to this relationship.  Hence the title. In a marriage relationship I must be number 2, with God being number one. Why? Because God has my back and he will always be my number one.. If my mate loves God like I do, then we will both be  eager to work things out. We won't let anyone or anything come between us.

How many of you know that relationships take work? I thought so.

So, like I said, I need to know where I stand in  relationships. If I’m just a casual observer then I don’t expect you to tell me your secrets and you shouldn’t expect me to tell you mine. If I’m working on a participant relationship then I will take steps toward you. If those steps are not reciprocated then I go back to being an observer. I’m only going to be friends or intimate with someone I feel is safe. Uh oh! I do not need someone to be perfect. If they were we’d get on each other’s nerves. After all, I’m perfect...lol! If you believe that, see the blog “domestically challenged”.

So, recently I've been moving from observer relationships into participating relationships Trying to define where I stand in each new relationship. I'm testing the level of reciprocation, I’m testing the  level of tolerance, but mostly I’m testing the level of grace. Yeah,Yeah, back to that grace thing. I'm not very good at lasting relationships. Surprise! I've never lived in one house more than five years until recently. So, I have questions about what a good relationship will looks.

If people have grace for each other do they jump to negative conclusions based on a one time event? Will they say things like, “I knew they were too good to be true.” When something goes wrong? Oh, in case you don’t know this...things will go wrong.

In a marriage relationship two people are committed to be participants in the relationship. They are clear about their standing with each other, or they should be. The wife should know that she comes before the mother in law and the husband should know that he comes before the children. Does that sound harsh? Well, it isn’t. If I’m a partner in a relationship I need to know what order I am in that person’s life.

If I’m married and I find out that I’m number three because the mother in law is number one or two...I’m screwed. There is no one for me in the relationship because I’m “just not that important.”. It matters.

So, aren't friendships the same? How willing are you, as a friend, to look beyond our differences and come to a common goal of peace?. Let’s face it, there’s enough strife in the world. I want to be a person who creates peace in the life of my friends.. I do no not need, “Perfect people.”  By the way, I may accidentally hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes they won't understand things I do or why. How could they? They haven't known me very long. Even my sister hasn't lived in the same city with me for very long.  However, I do need someone that will think the best of me. I try to do that for others.

As a participant I also need to have a say in the relationship. Observers work for others, they are obligated to do things a certain way. Participants are partners. If you have a better way of doing something I must set my ego aside, consider the options and make my own decision and I must have the freedom to do so.

For example. There might be one project, one goal, but ten different people. There will likely be ten different ways to accomplish that goal. If I can’t talk out my idea with you, or you with me, then I am merely an observer and so are you.

Work relationships require an observer attitude. If my boss asks me to do something his way, I do it. He’s paying me to work for him. Now if I come up with a way to save him time or money I will present it to him/her. If they don’t agree... back to observer land I go. I’m okay with that. I know my number in that relationship.

Sometimes there is a lack of communication or a barrier to communication. One person might think the other is an observer, but expects them to respond as a participant, or visa versa; this causes great confusion and often hurt feelings.

I need to know where I stand in a relationship and am I content with where I stand in this relationship?

So, instead of making  rash decisions I am learning to weight my options. I’ve decided to ask myself questions like “How much do I want to be involved?” “ Has trust been broken?” “Has blaming taken place? “ and lastly “Where is the grace?”

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that some relationships are not meant to be deep. No, there is an element that is keeping both parties from being participants.

I once asked someone what they meant by something because I was busy trying to read between the lines. That’s annoying by the way. This person said, “I said what I meant and I mean what I said.” Wow. That was new.

If you find that you are giving without reciprocation then ask yourself, "Is it really a relationship? " Is this relationship healthy for me?" " Is it conducive to growth? Not just for me, but for the other person as well?" There is no room for blame in a good relationship. None... I have no problem clarifying my actions, that’s actually very freeing, but if I can’t be human and make mistakes with someone then ...that’s a problem.

I once had a parishioner complain because I wasn’t exposing my heart to them, yet they were telling me their deepest secrets. It was hard to explain that was the way it was supposed to be. I can’t guide you if I’m a participant.

Think about it. If I’m a participant, I’m committed to you. I am committed to think the best of you and my objectivity is lessened. I’m all in ! I’ve got your back! You can be wrong and I will give you grace to figure things out. Now, trust me, if you’re in some kind of trouble in your life and you need me to bring it to your attention, I will participate . But if someone comes against you, you’re on my team. I can’t possibly be objective.

So, if I’m in the role of guarding or guiding you, I  must be free to observe. That doesn’t mean that I won’t think the best of you it simply means that I’ll be very objective in guiding you to a positive outcome. Friends do not need to fix each other, This will set you free!

If two people are participating in each other’s lives, they don’t need to fix each  other. They are in this together. There has to be safety and security. Both people have to be free to make mistakes without fear of alienation. In other words: grace!

So, if grace is missing in your relationship, I advise you to re-evaluate the order number you have been given. Have a reality check. Does this relationship benefit or hurt you? Yes, it matters. The world is full of people that will hurt you, do you really need one more?