I just want to vote!
Yesterday Oklahoma had a primary vote. How do you know when you’ve moved too many times? You think you know where to go vote only to realize that voting location in your mind was in a different state! Yep. So, anyway, I wanted to vote, but I wasn’t sure where to go. I googled it and thought I was at the right place. The volunteer looked up my name and couldn’t find me anywhere. A voting official was there so she tried to call the office to find out where I should go. She told me that their policy was that a voter should not have to roam around the city to find out where they should vote. But nobody would answer the phone at the downtown office. She tried several numbers and got no answer. She had one last choice, but she didn’t want to call that number. It was a persons cell phone. His personal number... Finally she called and found out where I was supposed to be. The location was across the street. No, I’m not kidding. I waited about 20 minutes for her to find out that my location was just across the road.
Life is like that sometimes. We go where we think we should, we wait, only to find that our intended destination was just “across the street!”
I grew up in an era where preachers taught that if you just held on long enough you’d find what you were looking for. I remember a particular sermon where a story was told about a man that searched for water in the desert. He kept walking and walking, then he gave up and died. Little did he know that water was just on the other side of the sand dune. What? That seemed harsh. The message was basically encouraging a person to never give up, but is there a time to give up?
I was a trained "waiter". I believed that something magical would happen if I just waited long enough. One day I realized that I was having the same experience over and over again and that nothing had really changed.
Abuse victims rarely have a choice. They don't know when the abuse will happen, they can't avoid it (many times), there are no indicators, not just one trigger....abuse is random. Many times an abuser will go through a "kind" stage and the victim will actually have hope that the abuser has changed. It keeps a victim in a perpetual state of false expectations. They learn to hope for a very good and very real outcome that may or may not happen. Usually a person will hope until they just can't anymore. The abuser will change their behavior and then one hopes again, until they can't. It's a cycle of trauma, a cycle of victimization.
I call it “ The imaginary carrot “ thinking: false hope on a stick. There are some situations that won’t change. Most cereal abusers don’t just stop abusing. They normally don't have a “come to Jesus” experience and just stop abusing. Please. Note that I said “most” not “all”.
Victims often believe that if they stop doing something, wearing something or saying something, the abuse will stop. It’s a mindset that causes a person to believe that the abuse is their fault or even within their control. An abuse victim learns to believe that the abuse is " about them”. After all. It’s happening to them. Many times a victim is trained to believe this is only happening them. The trap is the thought that "something is wrong with them" and that's why this pattern keeps repeating itself.
So, what does all of this have to do with voting? It does, trust me. For better or worse I have discovered that I was given the option to choose something very permanent, like marriage, when I was unable to choose something temporary.
When I was 17 I was given the choice to stay where I was, but live with another family to finish my last year of high school or to move to a new location where I didn't know anyone. I didn't really know the people I was supposed to live with. I had no real experience with being alone with them without my parents. The carrot was the scholarships I had earned and all the relationships I had made, but the uncertainty was just too much. On the other hand I could move to a city where I didn't know anyone, but...I would remain with what was familiar. I couldn't choose. All I could do was cry. That's a pretty heavy decision for anyone, but I wasn't experienced in making decisions so it was just too difficult. It was only two years later when I was faced with the permanent decision to get married.
Let me pause for a moment and tell you that I'm not making any innuendos, I'm not saying that I made the wrong decision. I'm a very good writer and if I wanted to say those things I would. No, my point is the following:
Parents, give your child the freedom to practice decision making when and where it's safe. Practice deciding when the outcome isn't life or death or permanent. The best result a parent can hope for is that their child doesn't "need" them anymore. They have grown, they are confident and can make decisions on their own without intervention.
Good decisions making, like voting, takes time. One has to learn how to vote, who to vote for and where to vote. Take time in your journey to get it wrong when you are just across the street from the intended destination. Recognize the magic carrot, look at the situation for what it is, understand your personal limitations and responsibilities, look the situation in the eye and make an informed decision. Your life and future may depend on it.
Life is like that sometimes. We go where we think we should, we wait, only to find that our intended destination was just “across the street!”
I grew up in an era where preachers taught that if you just held on long enough you’d find what you were looking for. I remember a particular sermon where a story was told about a man that searched for water in the desert. He kept walking and walking, then he gave up and died. Little did he know that water was just on the other side of the sand dune. What? That seemed harsh. The message was basically encouraging a person to never give up, but is there a time to give up?
I was a trained "waiter". I believed that something magical would happen if I just waited long enough. One day I realized that I was having the same experience over and over again and that nothing had really changed.
Abuse victims rarely have a choice. They don't know when the abuse will happen, they can't avoid it (many times), there are no indicators, not just one trigger....abuse is random. Many times an abuser will go through a "kind" stage and the victim will actually have hope that the abuser has changed. It keeps a victim in a perpetual state of false expectations. They learn to hope for a very good and very real outcome that may or may not happen. Usually a person will hope until they just can't anymore. The abuser will change their behavior and then one hopes again, until they can't. It's a cycle of trauma, a cycle of victimization.
I call it “ The imaginary carrot “ thinking: false hope on a stick. There are some situations that won’t change. Most cereal abusers don’t just stop abusing. They normally don't have a “come to Jesus” experience and just stop abusing. Please. Note that I said “most” not “all”.
Victims often believe that if they stop doing something, wearing something or saying something, the abuse will stop. It’s a mindset that causes a person to believe that the abuse is their fault or even within their control. An abuse victim learns to believe that the abuse is " about them”. After all. It’s happening to them. Many times a victim is trained to believe this is only happening them. The trap is the thought that "something is wrong with them" and that's why this pattern keeps repeating itself.
So, what does all of this have to do with voting? It does, trust me. For better or worse I have discovered that I was given the option to choose something very permanent, like marriage, when I was unable to choose something temporary.
When I was 17 I was given the choice to stay where I was, but live with another family to finish my last year of high school or to move to a new location where I didn't know anyone. I didn't really know the people I was supposed to live with. I had no real experience with being alone with them without my parents. The carrot was the scholarships I had earned and all the relationships I had made, but the uncertainty was just too much. On the other hand I could move to a city where I didn't know anyone, but...I would remain with what was familiar. I couldn't choose. All I could do was cry. That's a pretty heavy decision for anyone, but I wasn't experienced in making decisions so it was just too difficult. It was only two years later when I was faced with the permanent decision to get married.
Let me pause for a moment and tell you that I'm not making any innuendos, I'm not saying that I made the wrong decision. I'm a very good writer and if I wanted to say those things I would. No, my point is the following:
Parents, give your child the freedom to practice decision making when and where it's safe. Practice deciding when the outcome isn't life or death or permanent. The best result a parent can hope for is that their child doesn't "need" them anymore. They have grown, they are confident and can make decisions on their own without intervention.
Good decisions making, like voting, takes time. One has to learn how to vote, who to vote for and where to vote. Take time in your journey to get it wrong when you are just across the street from the intended destination. Recognize the magic carrot, look at the situation for what it is, understand your personal limitations and responsibilities, look the situation in the eye and make an informed decision. Your life and future may depend on it.
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