Who knew that walking on water would be this hard?
Have you heard the song, "Oceans" by Hillsong? https://youtu.be/dy9nwe9_xzw
Right before I moved from where I lived to where I would attend Mount Olive University I heard Oceans" (see link above) I was so excited! I had a theme song! Some of the lyrics include these words..."Keep my eyes above the waves..." It also says, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me." I thought, "Wow! That's what I need."
I was endeavoring to finish my Bachelors degree in music and I was in a place where I was pretty much isolated. I was struggling physically, but I was determined to complete what I believed I was destined to do. It was hard. The song also says, "My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." I thought that enduring the hardships of school at my ...um..age... and completing a lifelong dream had to be where testing the waters would present the most difficult circumstances. I was wrong.
So, I finished school and Yay! or yeah! ... I don't know. It was a miracle of cooperation. What I mean by that is that I was completely sold on the idea and was determined to complete this dream come hell or high water. The cooperation part was on the part of the University of Mount Olive staff, teachers and students. They were as committed to me completing my dream as I was... we did it!
So,upon graduation I moved to Oklahoma! I worked for the Salvation Army and I sang Christmas Carols in front of a Walmart! Life was good. I was in the freezing rain and cold and I didn't get sick, yet another victory! Man, I was walking on water...or so I thought.
Something that is unique to me in regards to the ocean is that I have always loved the sights, sounds and smells. I would swim out as far as the surfers. My feet couldn't touch the bottom, but I didn't care. The power of the waves was amazing. Again, I didn't care. I was comfortable with the ocean. I could sit on the shore and listen to the waves and watch the water churn for hours. Matter of fact I spent so much time mesmerized by the ocean that I got a third degree sunburn. Did I mention that I'm really committed to a task? 😎
Well, one day we went up to Santa Barbara, California and the water was clear and calm. I was like, "Great...I can go out further!" So, I headed out into the beautiful clear blue ocean and for the first time I saw something that would change my opinion of the ocean forever.... Did you know that there were fish in there? Oh my gosh! I looked down at my feet and all sorts of little tiny fish were frantically swimming around my legs. I hauled my butt to the shore so fast that it looked like I was walking on water.
My prior experience in the ocean did not lend to the fact that fish lived there and that they might touch me. Wow! Remember in Domestically Challenged where I told you that I thought meat just came from the grocery store, not a farm where there were animals? Well, same thing.
You may think that sounded stupid...but I was never stupid, just unaware. I mean I graduated with a very high GPA from three different colleges! Yes, brain power. But it just never occurred to me that there was something in the ocean other than the massive waves and surfers. Total denial.
So, something that was familiar to me, such as the ocean, became a whole new adventure. Suddenly I didn't want to go out in the water anymore. I still admired the ocean, but from the shore.
Years later Xman took us to the Cayman Islands, it was wonderful. There was a spot where a person could climb down a ladder and watch the fish. He said, "Go ahead and give it a try!" He did not know what he was asking me to do. I thought, fish + ladder +exit = safe! WRONG!
You see the ladder was there for a reason. Tourists, like me, would take fish food to that site and feed the fish to see the magnificent colors of these wonderful...uhumm...creatures. So, I ever so bravely, while being scarred to death, climbed down the ladder, got my head under the water and there they were..FISH! Oh no! It wasn't just that they were there, they wanted something from me: food! I surfaced faster than...well, fast. I thought they were coming after me. I felt like I was in a bed of piranha and since I hadn't brought food, they would just eat me. Panic!
So, life after graduation looked very much like the ocean. I was dealing with people and things that were very familiar, yet brand new. I'd been asking The Lord to help me walk on these familiar waters, then suddenly I discovered there were...fish!
Difficult moments from this familiar territory crept into my memories and were triggered and I didn't know what to do. It was easier fighting for my life at school than to deal with dreams and reliving moments that were very unpleasant. These battles represented the unexpected, but very real fish in my ocean and I was where my feet could no longer touch the ground.
I've dealt with problems with people's perceptions of me, as stated in my previous blog. I have fought the urge to crawl into the corner and say, "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, let me eat worms." Oh, by the way, that is a saying...lol. I fought the battle of wanting to be invisible and the desire to live out loud at the same time. I craved the ocean, but was scared to death of the fish.
I needed people. I needed the familiar. I needed my family. However, along with the familiar came problems that were are also familiar. Living in an abusive environment for most of my life left its scars. People warned me not to talk about abuse, but I need to. Not because I'm simply in need of expressing myself, but because people like you who read this blog need to know that there is hope. By the way, there is hope.
Some abuse is actually invisible. Nobody broke my arm or slapped my face and left marks, but to a very tender soul, words cut like knives. I blame no one. I own my issues. The people who were abusive must own theirs. It is not my job to reveal the mistakes or even sins of someone else. My story is about how I handled these things, not about the abusers. Plus I realized that some abuse could trigger past memories and in self defense the brain translated those events as if they were current situations. Living with PTSD was like living with the expectation that bad things WILL happen; like a negative faith for the worst possible outcome. Depression has the same effect.
So, I was faced with perceived rejection by the very people I needed to be safe with. It wasn't their intention to trigger me. People are like the fish in the ocean...they are there. Fish bite, therefore I learned to... run. But since I had moved across the nation, there wasn't anywhere to run.
I found myself out in the middle of the ocean, as God intended, where my feet could not touch the bottom, as God intended and I freaked out! Not what God intended. No, what The Lord asked me to do was to trust Him in the familiar and the unfamiliar.
PTSD has been best described as hell on a stick. The Lord didn't want me to live like that. He wanted me to see that in the familiar and the unfamiliar He was still the same. He already knew there were fish in the water. He already knew that I didn't know that. Was His plan cruel? No, it was love.
He wanted me well.
I found Him in the midst of it all even as I stepped out onto the water with the fish aware of possible rejection I found that He didn't change.
But I still had a problem: :I didn't know me. I didn't know who I was; therefore the fear that I felt coming from the possible rejection from others was only because I couldn't accept the fact that some people just wouldn't like, or even get me. I had no idea who that really was so why would they? Throughout my life I had become adaptive. Every time I entered into a new situation I adapted my actions to fit the expected behavior.
In my imaginary world, where fish didn't exist I was as safe with the surfers as I was on the shore, then I met some unsafe people. I was reminded of some very unsafe events from my past and my mind announced that it was NOT going to participate in the walk on water plan anymore. My mind said it was time to get out of the ocean and head for shore. But that wasn't God's plan.
So, what changed? Let me tell you about the last time I "swam with the fishes." Xman took us to Cancun (again, my memory, but I think that's where we were). One of the choices for adventure was to go to Stingray Island. Stingray Island is in the middle of the ocean on a sand dune. It's where the fishermen used to go to clean their fish, so the stingrays got very comfortable with people and expected to be fed.
However this time I knew what was going to happen. I knew there were fish out there and this time I brought food. My oldest daughter and I ventured out away from the boat to watch a nurse shark from a distance, of course. I went to feed the stingrays and one of them thought I looked like some fresh meat and attached itself to my belly. I had a stingray hickey. I certainly hope you're laughing... But the fact of the matter was that I wasn't afraid. I didn't run, I didn't try to escape...I just swam and observed.
The change: I discovered that there were fish in the ocean, that they wanted to be fed and that some of then would not like what I had to give them. So, walking on water became, walking on the familiar and the unfamiliar without expecting re-runs and automatic rejection.
It's okay for someone not to like me. It's okay for me to get upset about it. It isn't okay to live in that place of rejection and fear. News Flash! There are fish in the ocean and there are situations that appear familiar, but they aren't the same. Every fish has a different story and I have learned to listen without expecting to be rejected, I also learned that if my brand of food (me) is rejected it really isn't my fault, I just wasn't what that person needed,
Circumstances may seem to repeat themselves and we can't run from that possibility. BUT we can be prepared, stable and certain what brand of "food" we are and realize it's okay that some people just don't want that brand. Live in the now, not in the past. Experience the now and don't live in reruns. God is good, people are different and you have the power to walk away without feeling rejected.
So, be free to walk on the water (familiar territory), experience the unfamiliar (unexpected fish) and walk on that water, but not because you're running away.., no, this time get jet skis!
Right before I moved from where I lived to where I would attend Mount Olive University I heard Oceans" (see link above) I was so excited! I had a theme song! Some of the lyrics include these words..."Keep my eyes above the waves..." It also says, "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me." I thought, "Wow! That's what I need."
I was endeavoring to finish my Bachelors degree in music and I was in a place where I was pretty much isolated. I was struggling physically, but I was determined to complete what I believed I was destined to do. It was hard. The song also says, "My faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior." I thought that enduring the hardships of school at my ...um..age... and completing a lifelong dream had to be where testing the waters would present the most difficult circumstances. I was wrong.
So, I finished school and Yay! or yeah! ... I don't know. It was a miracle of cooperation. What I mean by that is that I was completely sold on the idea and was determined to complete this dream come hell or high water. The cooperation part was on the part of the University of Mount Olive staff, teachers and students. They were as committed to me completing my dream as I was... we did it!
So,upon graduation I moved to Oklahoma! I worked for the Salvation Army and I sang Christmas Carols in front of a Walmart! Life was good. I was in the freezing rain and cold and I didn't get sick, yet another victory! Man, I was walking on water...or so I thought.
Something that is unique to me in regards to the ocean is that I have always loved the sights, sounds and smells. I would swim out as far as the surfers. My feet couldn't touch the bottom, but I didn't care. The power of the waves was amazing. Again, I didn't care. I was comfortable with the ocean. I could sit on the shore and listen to the waves and watch the water churn for hours. Matter of fact I spent so much time mesmerized by the ocean that I got a third degree sunburn. Did I mention that I'm really committed to a task? 😎
Well, one day we went up to Santa Barbara, California and the water was clear and calm. I was like, "Great...I can go out further!" So, I headed out into the beautiful clear blue ocean and for the first time I saw something that would change my opinion of the ocean forever.... Did you know that there were fish in there? Oh my gosh! I looked down at my feet and all sorts of little tiny fish were frantically swimming around my legs. I hauled my butt to the shore so fast that it looked like I was walking on water.
My prior experience in the ocean did not lend to the fact that fish lived there and that they might touch me. Wow! Remember in Domestically Challenged where I told you that I thought meat just came from the grocery store, not a farm where there were animals? Well, same thing.
You may think that sounded stupid...but I was never stupid, just unaware. I mean I graduated with a very high GPA from three different colleges! Yes, brain power. But it just never occurred to me that there was something in the ocean other than the massive waves and surfers. Total denial.
So, something that was familiar to me, such as the ocean, became a whole new adventure. Suddenly I didn't want to go out in the water anymore. I still admired the ocean, but from the shore.
Years later Xman took us to the Cayman Islands, it was wonderful. There was a spot where a person could climb down a ladder and watch the fish. He said, "Go ahead and give it a try!" He did not know what he was asking me to do. I thought, fish + ladder +exit = safe! WRONG!
You see the ladder was there for a reason. Tourists, like me, would take fish food to that site and feed the fish to see the magnificent colors of these wonderful...uhumm...creatures. So, I ever so bravely, while being scarred to death, climbed down the ladder, got my head under the water and there they were..FISH! Oh no! It wasn't just that they were there, they wanted something from me: food! I surfaced faster than...well, fast. I thought they were coming after me. I felt like I was in a bed of piranha and since I hadn't brought food, they would just eat me. Panic!
So, life after graduation looked very much like the ocean. I was dealing with people and things that were very familiar, yet brand new. I'd been asking The Lord to help me walk on these familiar waters, then suddenly I discovered there were...fish!
Difficult moments from this familiar territory crept into my memories and were triggered and I didn't know what to do. It was easier fighting for my life at school than to deal with dreams and reliving moments that were very unpleasant. These battles represented the unexpected, but very real fish in my ocean and I was where my feet could no longer touch the ground.
I've dealt with problems with people's perceptions of me, as stated in my previous blog. I have fought the urge to crawl into the corner and say, "Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, let me eat worms." Oh, by the way, that is a saying...lol. I fought the battle of wanting to be invisible and the desire to live out loud at the same time. I craved the ocean, but was scared to death of the fish.
I needed people. I needed the familiar. I needed my family. However, along with the familiar came problems that were are also familiar. Living in an abusive environment for most of my life left its scars. People warned me not to talk about abuse, but I need to. Not because I'm simply in need of expressing myself, but because people like you who read this blog need to know that there is hope. By the way, there is hope.
Some abuse is actually invisible. Nobody broke my arm or slapped my face and left marks, but to a very tender soul, words cut like knives. I blame no one. I own my issues. The people who were abusive must own theirs. It is not my job to reveal the mistakes or even sins of someone else. My story is about how I handled these things, not about the abusers. Plus I realized that some abuse could trigger past memories and in self defense the brain translated those events as if they were current situations. Living with PTSD was like living with the expectation that bad things WILL happen; like a negative faith for the worst possible outcome. Depression has the same effect.
So, I was faced with perceived rejection by the very people I needed to be safe with. It wasn't their intention to trigger me. People are like the fish in the ocean...they are there. Fish bite, therefore I learned to... run. But since I had moved across the nation, there wasn't anywhere to run.
I found myself out in the middle of the ocean, as God intended, where my feet could not touch the bottom, as God intended and I freaked out! Not what God intended. No, what The Lord asked me to do was to trust Him in the familiar and the unfamiliar.
PTSD has been best described as hell on a stick. The Lord didn't want me to live like that. He wanted me to see that in the familiar and the unfamiliar He was still the same. He already knew there were fish in the water. He already knew that I didn't know that. Was His plan cruel? No, it was love.
He wanted me well.
I found Him in the midst of it all even as I stepped out onto the water with the fish aware of possible rejection I found that He didn't change.
But I still had a problem: :I didn't know me. I didn't know who I was; therefore the fear that I felt coming from the possible rejection from others was only because I couldn't accept the fact that some people just wouldn't like, or even get me. I had no idea who that really was so why would they? Throughout my life I had become adaptive. Every time I entered into a new situation I adapted my actions to fit the expected behavior.
In my imaginary world, where fish didn't exist I was as safe with the surfers as I was on the shore, then I met some unsafe people. I was reminded of some very unsafe events from my past and my mind announced that it was NOT going to participate in the walk on water plan anymore. My mind said it was time to get out of the ocean and head for shore. But that wasn't God's plan.
So, what changed? Let me tell you about the last time I "swam with the fishes." Xman took us to Cancun (again, my memory, but I think that's where we were). One of the choices for adventure was to go to Stingray Island. Stingray Island is in the middle of the ocean on a sand dune. It's where the fishermen used to go to clean their fish, so the stingrays got very comfortable with people and expected to be fed.
However this time I knew what was going to happen. I knew there were fish out there and this time I brought food. My oldest daughter and I ventured out away from the boat to watch a nurse shark from a distance, of course. I went to feed the stingrays and one of them thought I looked like some fresh meat and attached itself to my belly. I had a stingray hickey. I certainly hope you're laughing... But the fact of the matter was that I wasn't afraid. I didn't run, I didn't try to escape...I just swam and observed.
The change: I discovered that there were fish in the ocean, that they wanted to be fed and that some of then would not like what I had to give them. So, walking on water became, walking on the familiar and the unfamiliar without expecting re-runs and automatic rejection.
It's okay for someone not to like me. It's okay for me to get upset about it. It isn't okay to live in that place of rejection and fear. News Flash! There are fish in the ocean and there are situations that appear familiar, but they aren't the same. Every fish has a different story and I have learned to listen without expecting to be rejected, I also learned that if my brand of food (me) is rejected it really isn't my fault, I just wasn't what that person needed,
Circumstances may seem to repeat themselves and we can't run from that possibility. BUT we can be prepared, stable and certain what brand of "food" we are and realize it's okay that some people just don't want that brand. Live in the now, not in the past. Experience the now and don't live in reruns. God is good, people are different and you have the power to walk away without feeling rejected.
So, be free to walk on the water (familiar territory), experience the unfamiliar (unexpected fish) and walk on that water, but not because you're running away.., no, this time get jet skis!
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