Walk Away from the Wasps

Wasps I've been thinking about this subject for a long time. Let me explain what I mean by "Walk Away from the Wasps." 

There've been times in my life when I thought "If I can just explain what happened, I can fix it!" I want to fix so many things that are out of my control....don't you?

Here's the story that started this thought process. I had a job that I loved. I was good at it and I was laughing and happy for the first time in a long time. Then something beyond my control happened and I couldn't explain it. I had an accident. Nobody was hurt, no damage was done, but I was fired because they said I was negligent. I've never been fired in my entire life. I was devastated. How could this happen? Why did it happen? What happened?

Well, a few months later, I found out what happened. If you read my blog "I believe I can fly, but I'd rather not," you'll read about a serious accident that happened at another job. That accident was avoidable, but I was following directions. The person responsible was not held accountable, but I ended up with a traumatic brain injury.

Nobody did an MRI to find out the damage, until months later. Although I'd started having hallucinations, seeing things that weren't there. I wasn't afraid, I knew they weren't real, but they began to invade my sleep. I was only sleeping a couple of hours a night. This was a recipe for disaster.

I didn't know that these symptoms were affecting my judgement. I've been through a lot, so I figured I could handle it...wrong. 

I was seeing a Dr that was supposed to be treating me for PTSD , depression and anxiety. I've struggled with those things before, but once you get thrown from a moving vehicle and end up with a serious head injury, well, you can imagine. But I'm strong...right? The medication he chose was making the symptoms worse and I had no recourse, but to continue to follow the directions he was giving me. That has since been resolved, a story for another time, but after two weeks of good sleep, the symptoms are finally beginning to dissipate and there's hope.

Because of that head injury I misjudged distance and that caused the accident. Once I found out what happened I wanted to go back to that boss and explain it to him. That's where the wasps came in.

Have you ever been caught in a wasp nest, or a time when they are buzzing and active and you accidently got to close?  My thought was, "if I just go back and explain what happened, everything will be ok." Well, then the reality hit me. If I said "I had the incident because of a head injury," they're question would be, then why were you doing that job? My answer would have been, "I didn't know I had a head injury. Nobody had done an MRI to see the damage." Then, well, you were having hallucinations, right? " "Yes, but I knew they weren't real." "You weren't sleeping enough right?" "Yes, but I didn't think it was affecting me." Do you see the wasps buzzing around?

I kept thinking, I can fix this. If I just explain... but that would have been like me going back to the wasp nest, hoping that they would not attack me. There was no resolution. I suffered greatly.

There have been other events in my life where I thought, "If I could just explain to them what their actions are doing, they'd change their behavior!" Problem solved, right? Nope.

I was listening to a sermon by Steven Furtick on Elevation Live and he said something that struck me, in a good way. Jesus prepared the disciples for rejection. He said, "If they welcome you, bless them. If they don't, wipe the dirt off of your feet and walk away." (Paraphrased). Luke 9:5

I've dealt with bullies before. I've confronted them and they usually back off. This is a whole other part of the wasps issue. I've had some people in my life that have abandoned me. I don't know why and they won't tell me. These relationships were very important to me and the cost of their rejection has been high.

The other day I had an idea... "If I just tell them the consequences of their behavior and that they are risking their relationship with me in the future, it will make a difference!" Wrong. That's like going back to the wasp nest and begging them not to sting you. Wasps sting, that's what they do.

So, I've been thinking about all of this, praying about it and today I realized that the people that have rejected me are fully aware and comfortable with the consequences of their behavior. They simply don't care. Me pointing out the consequences and loss of their relationship with me would have led me into the wasp nest to be stung again, only worse.

As a Christian, I always want to make things right, but after I listened to the sermon today and realized that these people all had a chance to accept me or to walk away from me and they chose to walk away. There's nothing to gain by confronting them. So, I'm doing the hard thing. I'm dusting the dirt off my feet and walking on. It sound so simple, doesn't it? It isn't. Those wasps keep calling me back to "fix" it. Unfortunately, there is no repair for these situations unless God intervenes and changes the situation and the hearts of those that are walking in offense. 

My part, and this is what I'm struggling with, is to not be offended. Wasps do what wasps do, they sting to protect themselves, or at least most do. There is a breed of wasps that sting just because. There's no explanation, no apology, no consequences for the wasp, but the person that gets stung, they do the suffering.

How do I close my heart off from the pain? I want to say, "Well, they know the consequences and I'm walking away." That's ok, but the next part is the difficult part. "If they come back, I can not accept them. They knew what they were doing, they knew the consequences and therefore I have to protect myself." See, I'm right, but am I? I have every right to protect myself from the wasps, but I still have to respect the fact that wasps do what wasps do. If I get angry with the wasps and start swatting at them, I'll lose every time.

How do I accept the behavior of the wasps, avoid them and not return to them without hardening my heart against them? I don't know.

What I do know is this....I have to walk away from the wasps, recognize they are going to do what wasps do, protect my heart and find a way to guard my heart from resentment and anger. I have to accept their behavior, and the hard part, don't take it personally....how? I don't know yet.

I don't always have the answers when I write these blogs, but I hope they will help us all find a way to have some tough conversations, put things into perspective and find a way to encourage each other when the wasps attack.

I pray that I , and you, find a way to walk away from the wasps without damaging our own souls in the process.